He doesn't even remember who I am, says sobbing Farage

NIGEL Farage has been sitting on the edge of his bed in the dark crying and holding a signed photo of President Trump, according to friends.

The former UKIP leader believed he and Trump had “something special”, but admitted he has not received a call or text from the president in 18 months.

He said: “What happened? We were like brothers. Now Donald’s in Britain but he’s spending all his time with that cow Theresa May.

“We were great together. Two perma-tanned populists flaunting our fake man-of-the-people credentials to entice voters back to a bullshit past that never existed. How could it all go wrong?”

Farage then paused to clutch a pillow and weep copiously.

He finally continued: “What changed? I haven’t changed, except that I’m no longer in any position of power and everyone despises me. Is that it? Could he really be that shallow?

“I’ll be alright in a minute. Can you pass me that box of tissues?”

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Sexually active older man confuses pharmacist with request for 'rubber johnnies'

AN older man enjoying a vigorous sex life found it difficult to buy condoms due to using dated euphemisms.

Divorced retiree Norman Steele, 66, regularly meets ladies for sex thanks to Match.com and Viagra, but would prefer not to become a father when he is already a grandfather.

However a recent trip to Boots became fraught when Steele failed to realise that no one has referred to condoms as ‘rubber johnnies’ since approximately 1983.

Steele said: “The young female pharmacist just looked confused. Surely everyone knows what a johnny is. It’s the same as a French letter. You know, a prophylactic.

“I quietly explained I just wanted to get my leg over but she still didn’t get it. I said I was having a bit of ‘how’s your father’ but she just smiled and said he was growing courgettes in his greenhouse.

“Eventually an older, male shop assistant came over and asked if I needed standard, ribbed or fetherlite. Honestly, you wouldn’t think there’d be so much confusion over a bit of rumpo.”

Steele finally left the shop with 30 Durex but not before exchanging phone numbers with a younger 58-year-old woman waiting for her angina pills.