Your teenage rock band could have made it, and other lies you've told yourself so often you believe them

SPENT so long repeating total bullshit that you’re now convinced it’s true and outraged if you’re doubted? None of these have any basis in fact: 

Your teenage rock band could have made it

You guys were brilliant. You could have been the next Radiohead, but you were so far ahead of your time you never got signed. Except none of you could play in time, or in tune, and Tom was only the singer so you could rehearse in his home granny annexe. Ever listen to your demo tapes?

You’re six feet tall

Well, near enough. If you don’t slouch. You’re taller than some other men who make the same claim, certainly. The truth is you’re a distinctly average five foot ten, but nobody’s challenged you on it for years so you’re imagining you’re getting away with it.

You could handle yourself in a fight

You’ve never had a fight, but you’ve seen a lot of fights in films. A set of moves – chop, throw, fork to the eyes – is meticulously rehearsed in your mind every time you’re cut off in traffic. In reality, you’d be shocked to find being hit really hurts.

You’ve incredibly funny

In any social situation you’re the most hilarious one around, even if your transgressive comedic asides are a little bit out there for some. Easily the equal of those Oxbridge Mock The Week types. Or, what you mistake for genuine mirth at your repetitive, offensive shite is merely polite.

You were gorgeous when you were younger

If only you’d realised, when beset with the callow insecurities of youth, how good-looking you were. You could have had your pick of sexual partners if you’d had the courage to approach them. Threesomes every night, you imagine. No. You looked like you do now. Only younger.

They couldn’t run this place without you

Shouldering your daily burdens, you think about what a mess the office would collapse into without you. Without your intimate knowledge of the malfunctioning database and your web of contacts, the business would go bust in a fortnight. This theory will be tested when you’re made redundant any day now.

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Woman whose house is already full of fairy lights struggling to add more

A WOMAN who has already draped every available surface in her house with fairy lights is struggling to add more for Christmas. 

Charlotte Phelps of Crumpsall already has curtains of fairy lights on walls and strings of fairy lights winding around shelves and banisters, but feels she needs more to make her flat festive.

She said: “Like most millennials I live in a nasty rented flat and my only view is of stabbings outside a chicken shop, so I’ve tried to solve all those problems with lighting.

“I’ve got fairy lights heaped in decorative jars, running over wardrobes, lighting musty corners, and of course on the headboard and footer of my bed. I’ve never made love without the ambient glow of fairy lights and I pity anyone who has.

“But at this time of year I see everyone gaily lighting their houses and, as the fairy light queen, feel I should join in. After all this place is still dingy, dim and depressing.

“Christmas tree? F**k off, I’ve barely got room for chairs. Putting them on the outside of the flat? You don’t want to draw attention to yourself round here. Using them as carpet? Sadly impractical, I’ve tried.

“I’ve got it. I’ll get the weatherproof kind and pile them up in the toilet bowl. Every piss will be an underlit seasonal joy.”