Youth's tan sweat pants and sweatshirt make him look like a teddy bear

A TEEN’S attempts to look hard have been fatally undermined by his decision to wear a full tan sweatsuit that makes him resemble a giant cuddly toy.

Jordan Gardner was sure he was looking fresh when he pimp-strolled out of his family’s suburban semi kitted out in his new light-brown Adidas fleecy joggers and top.

However, the 16-year-old realised something was amiss when he tried to buy a disposable vape and the shopkeeper refused to believe he was an 18-year-old who had forgotten his driving licence, telling him to ‘Jog on, Paddington’.

Gardner said: “Believe me, that wasn’t the end of it. Passers-by kept sniggering when I attempted to stare them down while hanging around the war memorial.  

“Then another member of my crew, Oli, suggested my sand-coloured headphones over my hoodie looked quite like a bear’s ears. The bastards started calling me ‘Snuggly Bear’ and changed my name on their phones.

“I doubt this sort of thing happens to 50 Cent. He’d bust a cap in their ass. All I can do is get my mum to take it back to JD Sports and ask for a refund.”

Jordan’s dad Richard said: “I suppose I could help Jordan by sharing my own experience of being given a humiliating nickname. But no one must know why I was called ‘Billy Brown Hole’ on my Duke of Edinburgh expedition.”

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Cutting from Magic Money Tree gifted to Rwanda

A SLENDER branch from the Magic Money Tree has been gifted to Rwanda for taking away asylum seekers, it has emerged.

The tree, which can be found in the Downing Street garden and gives off a shimmering, affluent glow, could easily afford to spare a tiny offshoot worth a mere £100 million.

Magic Money Tree cultivator Rishi Sunak said: “Despite claims that there is no Magic Money Tree, including by me, it does frequently pop into existence. It’s mysterious.

“So now there are suddenly ample funds and it would be stupid not to splash some of the excess cash on this universally-adored policy.

“I simply popped into the garden, reached for a small twiglet, and snapped it off with my bare hands. In the grand scheme of things you wouldn’t even notice it was missing.

“Of course Labour must never be allowed anywhere near the Magic Money Tree. They’d hack it down to the root then it’ll be gone forever. I’m taking much better care of it, so Suella Braverman and my backbenchers can back the f**k off.”

A spokesperson for the Rwandan government said: “Good to know it’s no biggie. We’ll need a few extra million in a couple of months.”