Mars To Launch 'Beeftesers'

MARS, the confectionery giant, is to launch a brand of chocolate covered treats called 'Beeftesers' to cash in on the new and growing market for meat flavoured sweets.

Beeftesers will consist of a crunchy gristle interior formed from reconstituted, dried cow shavings which are then covered in a rich, milk chocolate coating.

If the new sweets take off as expected Mars says it plans to follow the beef version with other meat varieties including Lambtesers and Porktesers.

Wade Lewis, head of tissue-based product development for Mars in the UK, said they were launching Beeftesers after consumers complained about the recent meat-based Mars Bar.

He said: “We all thought the revamp would be a massive hit because it hardly tasted of meat at all.

“Instead our consumers rejected it as bland and boring and said they really wanted sweets with a strong beefy tang.

“Britain is a proud nation of animal munchers with a very sweet tooth. A snack that can deliver a meaty taste wrapped in delicious milk chocolate has got 'hit' written all over it.”

However, while Mars appears to have stolen a march on its rivals it appears unlikely that it will have the carnivorous confectionery market all to itself for long.

Rival Rowntree is already taste-testing a pig-based chunky chocolate bar called 'Porkie' and a version of its Lion Bar containing real antelope.

While these are new developments for the firm in the UK it has experience in the meat field having long manufactured the Kit-Cat for export to North Korea.

Meanwhile, Cadbury is poised to unleash the Kidney Wurly, a chewy chocolate covered offal confection, along with the Porknic, another pig-based chocolate bar.

On the streets of Dundee the new sweets were greeted with enormous enthusiasm when put to the taste test by The Daily Mash.

After tasting just one Edith Bower, 76, asked if she could take the whole bag, describing Beeftesers as tasting like a Swiss abattoir, “but in a good way”.

Kylie Ellis, 12, was another instant convert saying Beeftesers had a strong meat smell, a nice gristly crunch and a lovely sweet aftertaste. “You can stuff your Revels up your arse,” she said.

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Olympic Band 'Unlikely To Learn Scottish National Anthem'

THE musical director for the 2012 London Olympics has admitted that the ceremonial brass band 'probably won't bother' to learn Scotland's national anthem.

First Minister Alex Salmond has threatened to destroy the Olympic headquarters in Lausanne unless Scotland is allowed to enter its own team for the 2012 event.

Salmond has committed more than £200 million a year to Scotland's Olympic effort and says he will not rest until he has seen a Scottish man pole-vault in excess of six metres.

But Tom Booker, London 2012 musical supremo, said: "If I'm being totally honest with you, we could learn the Scottish national anthem, but what's the point? We may as well practice the theme tune to Howard's Way.

"There are 203 Olympic countries and they've all got anthems. We've got to get through Nepal, Burundi, Andorra and The Kingdom of Togo before we can even think about Scotland."

Booker added: "There's not going to be much in the way of podium action for the Scotch is there? You may get through to a couple of semi-finals, but Flower of Scotland? I just don't see it happening.

"I suppose you do have that bloke who can go a bike really fast but I suspect his knees will have exploded by 2012."