THE history we have is clearly biased reporting by the ivory-tower liberal elite. How would it be reported fairly and without prejudice by GB News?
Battle of Hastings, 1066
In the build-up, relentlessly anti-French rhetoric leads to prominent merchants pulling advertising. Saved thanks to a crowdfunding campaign by serfs, Andrew O’Neill interviews William the Conqueror and immediately backs the Normans to the hilt as proven winners.
Magna Carta, 1215
Instead of focusing on new freedoms granted by the document, GB News becomes obsessed with the obscure clause banning fishing weirs. The channel features a parade of illiterate, bigoted fisherman who want to tear up the document to ‘give us back our fish’. Also constantly calling Robin Hood a terrorist.
The Great Plague of London, 1665
GB News questions the actual numbers of infections and whether quarantine measures are necessary, and attacks the lefty luvvies who have fled London for the picturesque hamlet of Basingstoke leaving ‘ordinary working people’ to bear the brunt.
The Industrial Revolution, 1830
O’Neill and dickheads from Thee Spectator manage to simultaneously disparage children for having spinning tops which beguile the mind to sin, while despising them for carelessly losing fingers and limbs in shuttle looms and slowing production. It does not believe these positions contradictory.
VE Day, 1945
A GB News reporter interviews a trio of inebriated soldiers in Trafalgar Square about their feelings as war in Europe ends. It’s all going well until the sozzled squaddies give their names as Bombardier Hugh Janus, Sergeant Mike Hunt and Private Phil McCracken.
World Cup final, 1966
GB News buys full rights to the coverage, then screens the match with right-wing commentators moaning about how football has got worse since Stanely Matthew’s day. ‘Look at those haircuts, you’d never catch Nat Lofthouse looking like that’ and ‘him who didn’t score is unmarried, you know’.
Margaret Thatcher’s resignation, 1990
Treated like a Royal death. Black-framed screens, sombre music, weeping and calls for a military coup.
