1066 and six other historical events, as reported by GB News

THE history we have is clearly biased reporting by the ivory-tower liberal elite. How would it be reported fairly and without prejudice by GB News? 

Battle of Hastings, 1066

In the build-up, relentlessly anti-French rhetoric leads to prominent merchants pulling advertising. Saved thanks to a crowdfunding campaign by serfs, Andrew O’Neill interviews William the Conqueror and immediately backs the Normans to the hilt as proven winners.

Magna Carta, 1215

Instead of focusing on new freedoms granted by the document, GB News becomes obsessed with the obscure clause banning fishing weirs. The channel features a parade of illiterate, bigoted fisherman who want to tear up the document to ‘give us back our fish’. Also constantly calling Robin Hood a terrorist.

The Great Plague of London, 1665

GB News questions the actual numbers of infections and whether quarantine measures are necessary, and attacks the lefty luvvies who have fled London for the picturesque hamlet of Basingstoke leaving ‘ordinary working people’ to bear the brunt.

The Industrial Revolution, 1830

O’Neill and dickheads from Thee Spectator manage to simultaneously disparage children for having spinning tops which beguile the mind to sin, while despising them for carelessly losing fingers and limbs in shuttle looms and slowing production. It does not believe these positions contradictory.

VE Day, 1945

A GB News reporter interviews a trio of inebriated soldiers in Trafalgar Square about their feelings as war in Europe ends. It’s all going well until the sozzled squaddies give their names as Bombardier Hugh Janus, Sergeant Mike Hunt and Private Phil McCracken.

World Cup final, 1966

GB News buys full rights to the coverage, then screens the match with right-wing commentators moaning about how football has got worse since Stanely Matthew’s day. ‘Look at those haircuts, you’d never catch Nat Lofthouse looking like that’ and ‘him who didn’t score is unmarried, you know’.

Margaret Thatcher’s resignation, 1990

Treated like a Royal death. Black-framed screens, sombre music, weeping and calls for a military coup.

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The Kays Catalogue, and five other pathetic excuses for porn in the 1980s

IF THE over-40s were honest about how technology has transformed the world, they’d say ‘you can get porn now.’ Back in their younger years, these had to suffice: 

The Kays catalogue

Such a staple of teenage wanking it’s surprising a whole generation didn’t grow up with a fetish for slimming girdles and twin-sets. Even when unearthed by archaeologists 25,000 years hence, the last Kays catalogue will fall open at the lingerie section.

Any TV with a hint of nudity

The fabled Channel 4 red triangle saw millions of teenagers watch classics of French New Wave cinema for a flash of boob. Soon TV execs realised they’d get tabloid headlines for anything controversial and millions tuned in to The Singing Detective only to realise it was mostly about flakey skin.

Crap erotic films

More an adult thing which makes it even more pathetic, but shit like 9½ Weeks did incredible business. Males under 18 had to make do with the hotties in Carry On films on TV, slightly marred by the presence of Terry Scott and Bernard Bresslaw.

Strip poker on an 8-bit computer

Anyone playing frustrating computer poker to unveil pixelated hotties was desperate in a way today’s men cannot comprehend. Especially when they ran out of clothes and a bug made them saucily bet their ‘As63RD##;..%’ before the game crashed.

Bonkbusters

The moment any teenage boy realised his mother’s Jackie Collins and Pat Booth books were absolute filth, he never looked back. Soon he was haunting the library looking for any fat novel about a young woman’s journey through a patriarchal society where she shagged a lot.

Actual porn mags

Very, very weird. Apart from Playboy extremely British and working-class, with titles like Big Jubblies, articles about fighter planes and lorry drivers writing letters about nymphomaniac hitchhikers. Most HGV drivers chose their careers thinking it would be non-stop sex rather than f**king around with a tachograph.