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Are you right-wing enough to become the next BBC director general?

YOU might be the most right-wing person in your local branch of Wetherspoons at 2.45pm on a Monday, but are you right-wing enough to run the BBC? Find out: 

What is the most urgent problem facing Britain today? 

A) Immigration
B) Immigration, the holding of incorrect opinions about Israel, and the undemocratic denial of a general election even though Reform are ahead in the polls
C) Immigration, the rise of fascism not being covered positively enough, the shameful refusal to hire Tommy Robinson as a One Show host, and what that man said at Glastonbury

What is the BBC’s most important mission? 

A) To ‘educate, inform and entertain from a sensibly right-of-centre perspective’, like Lord Reith said
B) To educate viewers that lefties are wrong, inform them of their duty to vote Reform in 2029, and entertain them by broadcasting public executions
C) To sell off Strictly, EastEnders and The Traitors to commercial broadcasters, invite GB News to take over, and become a worldwide voice for white supremacy

How can the BBC help the nation?

A) By abandoning any post-1979 programming and running good old politically incorrect repeats 24 hours a day to properly turn back the clock
B) By gently guiding us to a new Anglo-Saxon Christian dawn by sugar-coating, in a lovely establishment way, the necessary mass deaths
C) By providing lists of anyone who’s ever listened to Radio 4 or 6Music so we can begin with them

ANSWERS

Mostly As: Sorry, but you’re far too left-biased to run the BBC. Or to last long in the brave new world it will usher in.

Mostly Bs: Nice try, but your moderate, centrist views are frankly offensive to decent people and you’ll soon be held to account for them. Enjoy your show trial.

Mostly Cs: You were an excellent candidate, but we’re really looking for someone hardline neo-Nazi. The Telegraph would have you kicked out within a week anyway.

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Remembering which Star Wars films are good, and other mental loads carried by the man in relationships

WOMEN complain they shoulder the bulk of the mental load in relationships, while men quietly, heroically, make sure they never have to worry about these considerations: 

Monitoring alcohol levels

If the lady of the house was taking care of this, there would be regular crises. It falls to men to diligently keep track of how many cans and bottles are chilling in the fridge, as well as making sure that whatever is drunk is instantly restocked. Does she thank him when he plies her into bed with two bottles of white wine on a Friday night? No.

Preparing condescending explanations

It may seem like mansplaining comes naturally to boyfriends and husbands, but it actually involves exhaustive round-the-clock research. Men must cultivate in-depth knowledge of everything from the Cold War to the lenses used in Citizen Kane to talk down to their partners. No wonder they never have time to organise their kids’ orthodontic appointments.

Knowing which Star Wars films are good

There’s so much Star Wars content it’s hard to remember which ever-diminishing slice is worthwhile. Do women trouble themselves? Of course not. So when Disney+ is flicked on after a long day, it’s their menfolk who wisely steer them towards Rogue One instead of their rash suggestion of Solo. 

Drafting excuses not to see in-laws

Coming up with solid reasons to dodge the in-laws is tough. Working weekends and football matches can only carry you through for so long, and every man is maintaining a complicated index of excuses that won’t clash or arouse suspicion. Women take this for granted, but when it gets them out of dinner with their dad reap the benefits.

Coordinating 40-minute toilet visits

Being unable to use the bathroom or contact your boyfriend for huge stretches of time is a luxury that women rarely acknowledge. Men selflessly lay the groundwork by choosing their moment, making sure their phone is fully charged and disappearing so she has a quiet rest period with the kids. Love comes in many forms.

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