Being a bellend 'is key to Tinder success'

A POPULAR Tinder user has shared advice on being a predictable bellend who just says things other people want to hear.

Sales executive Martin Bishop gets many approving ‘swipe-rights’ on the dating service thanks to crafting a blandly hip persona that large numbers of morons like.

Bishop said: “It’s not just about having a picture that doesn’t really look like you, it’s also important to like things that are trendy in an obvious way, so I love sushi.

“You also need an aspirational hobby on your profile. It’s fine to lie, and I’m actually starting to believe I’m getting a helicopter licence.

“It’s also good to describe yourself as a very spiritual person. It’s the kind of vague bullshit that makes you sound deep without having to think about anything.

“Don’t forget some great humour like ‘Love partying, hate sprouts!’. And the gym. Mention the gym.

“Everyone loves the gym.”

Tinder user Emma Bradford said: “Martin thinks horses are very spiritual creatures and hates sprouts. I must have sex with him.”

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Annoying principled friend wants you to sign yet another petition

A TIRESOME friend wants you to take two seconds to help yet another persecuted group of people and or animals.

For what must be the fourth time in recent memory, Julian Cook is urging friends to sign some kind of online petition about some undeniably desperate situation.

Emma Bradford said: “Every time I get an email from Julian or log on to Facebook, my heart sinks. He’s obsessed with helping people and animals, I don’t know what his problem is really.

“I’ll have to sign because otherwise I’ll feel like he knows I haven’t stood up for those ring-tailed lemurs. Another five seconds out of my life, Julian you big-hearted bastard.

“I’m starting to wonder whether there’s anyone or anything in the world that can just look after itself.”

Stephen Malley said: “The worst thing is that there’s never even any pay off when you do sign. They should send you an automated email saying the thing is sorted, like when you book a hotel online.

“Just a line saying ‘the whales are okay now’ in the subject heading would be fine.”