Can you survive a week being slagged off by the Daily Mail?

KEIR Starmer or Meghan Markle, they all crumble after a week’s concentrated hate from Britain’s most loathsome tabloid. How would you cope? 

Monday

You pop out and grab a latte. Within hours the headline is: ’Latte-swilling METROPOLITAN ELITIST Tom Logan flaunts his disregard for the honest, proud tea-drinkers of this country’ and a man in the comments says you should be hanged.

Tuesday 

The Mail scoured your Facebook page and found a 2011 post mildly complaining about Royal wedding coverage. The headline is: ‘TRAITOR! Out-of-touch Logan thinks hard-working Wills and Kate aren’t worth his PRECIOUS TIME’. In the comments, a man calls for you to be publically disembowelled at the Tower of London.

Wednesday

You’re keeping your head down and having a sandwich in the garden when you hear the sound of camera shutters. Before you’ve finished eating a horrendously unflattering photo of you is in Mail Online’s sidebar where you look like Jabba the Hutt vomiting dough.

Thursday

You watch To Kill a Mockingbird on Sony Classic Movies with the curtains closed, and text a friend that it’s ‘not bad’. Two hours later Sarah Vine’s column is published, headlined: ’24-7 WOKEATHON: Why can’t left-wingers ever take a day off their Black Lives Matter BANDWAGON?’ The comments agree you should be deported.

Friday

The front page today is a montage of all your ex-partners, with the headline ‘The REAL Logan: by the people who know him inside out’. There’s nothing damning or particularly interesting in the article, but it’s a tense 30 minutes of reading the five pages the Mail has devoted to a non-story.

Saturday

A picture of your supermarket trolley contents appears, with item-by-item analysis. The headline is ‘Logan swills POSH MERLOT while thousands have lost LIVELIHOODS to COVID’, and includes a list of vintage reds you could spend £10,000 on to continue your sneering rampage. The comments are lurid fantasies of torture.

Sunday

You’re not sleeping, you’re barely eating, but the week is almost over. Then the Mail on Sunday publishes an expose revealing that aged 10 you wrote to Jim’ll Fix It, calling you ‘a fan and proud supporter of notorious paedophile Jimmy Savile’. This will continue all next week, and forever.

Are you being allowed to work from home because you're a twat?

OFFICE working is returning, but many staff are encouraged to work from home. Is it more efficient or do your colleagues hate you?  

How did your boss raise the subject of homeworking?

A) Praised my productivity, asked if I needed any support and said to feel free to come in any time.
B) Emailed saying ‘Annalise has got your desk, your stuff’s in storage, for f**k’s sake don’t come in unless you absolutely have to.’

Before lockdown, what were your main responsibilities in the office?

A) Supervising staff, identifying revenue streams, chairing development meetings.
B) Hovering around people’s desks talking about Formula 1 and making uncomfortable comments like, ‘Getting into your bikini this summer, Laura?’

Is not being in the office a problem for you?

A) I miss the camaraderie but I’ve adapted and I love the time and money I’m saving by not commuting.
B) Nah, because I don’t have to squeeze myself into my one pair of smart trousers, the two shirts I alternate all week and should wash every weekend but don’t, and there’s no more of that showering every three days. Though I do miss stealing reams of A4.

How do you feel about Zoom meetings?

A) They don’t need to be stilted if you let everyone contribute, and it’s nice to see friendly faces.
B) Bloody brilliant. Everyone has to listen to you and the moment they’re over you can get back to Pornhub.

Have you ever suspected you might be a workplace twat?

A) You can’t get along with everyone all the time, but no.
B) No way! I’m the office joker and the ideas guy. It was me who kept hassling all the girls to do a naked calendar for Comic Relief.

ANSWERS

Mostly As: Your company appreciates that you can work from home without four lunchtimes and a daily nap, watching a film every afternoon and compulsive wanking.

Mostly Bs: Your co-workers consider you a twat. For your information, saying things like ‘Woargh – did you just let one off, Jennifer?’ is not ‘banter’. They hope never to see you again.