KEIR Starmer or Meghan Markle, they all crumble after a week’s concentrated hate from Britain’s most loathsome tabloid. How would you cope?
You pop out and grab a latte. Within hours the headline is: ’Latte-swilling METROPOLITAN ELITIST Tom Logan flaunts his disregard for the honest, proud tea-drinkers of this country’ and a man in the comments says you should be hanged.
The Mail scoured your Facebook page and found a 2011 post mildly complaining about Royal wedding coverage. The headline is: ‘TRAITOR! Out-of-touch Logan thinks hard-working Wills and Kate aren’t worth his PRECIOUS TIME’. In the comments, a man calls for you to be publically disembowelled at the Tower of London.
You’re keeping your head down and having a sandwich in the garden when you hear the sound of camera shutters. Before you’ve finished eating a horrendously unflattering photo of you is in Mail Online’s sidebar where you look like Jabba the Hutt vomiting dough.
You watch To Kill a Mockingbird on Sony Classic Movies with the curtains closed, and text a friend that it’s ‘not bad’. Two hours later Sarah Vine’s column is published, headlined: ’24-7 WOKEATHON: Why can’t left-wingers ever take a day off their Black Lives Matter BANDWAGON?’ The comments agree you should be deported.
The front page today is a montage of all your ex-partners, with the headline ‘The REAL Logan: by the people who know him inside out’. There’s nothing damning or particularly interesting in the article, but it’s a tense 30 minutes of reading the five pages the Mail has devoted to a non-story.
A picture of your supermarket trolley contents appears, with item-by-item analysis. The headline is ‘Logan swills POSH MERLOT while thousands have lost LIVELIHOODS to COVID’, and includes a list of vintage reds you could spend £10,000 on to continue your sneering rampage. The comments are lurid fantasies of torture.
You’re not sleeping, you’re barely eating, but the week is almost over. Then the Mail on Sunday publishes an expose revealing that aged 10 you wrote to Jim’ll Fix It, calling you ‘a fan and proud supporter of notorious paedophile Jimmy Savile’. This will continue all next week, and forever.