CONGRATULATIONS. You are one of our most regular readers. It’s clear you respect our journalism, free of influence from wealthy proprietors and special interest groups, which makes you feel like crap just reading the headlines alone.
We’re talking about such vital investigative stories such as ‘The plight of Turkmenistan’s mistreated goats’, ‘How just one glass of wine causes dementia’ and ‘Everyone on earth to be boiled alive next Thursday unless we act now, which we won’t’.
It’s journalism that will turn your breakfast coffee to gravel in your mouth – not surprising when you read George Monbiot’s expose of the Colombian peasants picking the beans working 140 hours a week for one cent a year.
There’s also our vibrant Comment section, where every other day a columnist will be shocked to the core that the Tories are not very nice, despite them being horrible swine since 2010. And still have a childish crush on Rishi Sunak even now.
And there’s the lifestyle advice that matters to you, such as how to transform the large spare room you’re assumed to own into a mindful hygge space, how to have a soy-based Halloween, or a supposedly amusing account of buying a wood burner by an incredibly middle-class freelancer.
If you want us to carry on bringing you a slew of relentlessly dispiriting articles, with no political solution offered but to vote for the no-hope Lib Dems, then please, please consider taking up a monthly subscription with us. We’re f**king begging you.
That way, you won’t miss out on stories like ‘The cruel billion dollar trade in otter nipples’ and ‘Why only eating our own excrement can relieve Britain’s broken sewage systems’. We can’t do this depressing shit without you.