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Get shitfaced and eat a swan: How to spend your birthday like the Queen

DO you share a birthday with the Queen? Here’s how to celebrate in wild style today, just like Elizabeth II.

Stay in a country house

The Queen is staying in a farmhouse in Norfolk for her birthday which sounds like a pretty normal thing to do, except that ‘farmhouse’ means ‘massive mansion on the Sandringham Estate’. You might be able to scrape together enough money for an Airbnb in Norwich, if you get your mates to chip in.

Fire a gun

Her Majesty will be honoured with a 41-gun salute in Hyde Park tomorrow, which sounds pretty impressive. You could achieve something similar by asking your weird friend Brian to fire off a few ’rounds’ from his air rifle in a pub car park, but bear in mind he will probably be arrested afterwards.

Have another birthday in the summer because why the f**k not?

Let’s face it, April is a shit time for a birthday as it’s nippy and can suddenly start pissing with rain. The Queen has another one on the second Saturday in June which you should do too, as you’re likely to be off work and can spend the day getting wasted in the sun.

Argue with your family

The Queen is going to spend her birthday with her family, which should be fun given the amount of disgraced progeny and uppity grandchildren she has to contend with. Yours will be similarly fraught, but slightly better because you won’t have to pretend that one of your close relatives hasn’t just paid out millions of pounds to get off the hook in a dodgy paedo case.

Get shitfaced and eat a swan

Why be Queen and surrounded by loads of weird, arcane laws if you can’t occasionally make use of them to do something interesting, like get pissed and eat a swan? As a commoner you’ll have to catch your own from the local duck pond. If you don’t get Weil’s disease and it doesn’t break your arm, you’ll be in for a slap-up birthday dinner.