14 WhatsApp messages to pretend you haven't seen

WHATSAPP can be useful, but it’s just as likely to turn into the bane of your f**king life. Mainly when people do these things… 

1. When you don’t reply to someone straight away but they chase you up five minutes later with a ‘hello?’ or even worse a row of ‘????’ Get a life, pal.

2. But it’s also annoying when you can see someone has read your message but they haven’t replied.

3. When you don’t want to get into a text conversation but the other person keeps asking you f**king questions. ‘How are you?’ ‘What are you up to this weekend?’  Er, stuff that doesn’t need a long-winded text chat about it, thank you very much.

4. Really loud for the people at the back – no one wants to see a surprise picture of a penis, ever. Unless they have specifically asked for a photo of your dick, do NOT do it. Even then, ask if they’re a bit weird to want a picture of a veiny, disembodied dong to carry around with them.

5. When you get a message asking if you agree to be added to a group text. If you say ‘no’, you’ll look a miserable dick. Say ‘yes’ and you’re stuck in a sea of messages about bollocks for months. Watch out for the chilling words ‘Hen Party’.

6. You glance down to find a 500-word essay, compiled over 11 texts. No one has time for that shit. 

7. Conversely, when someone replies to you with a single thumbs-up emoji. Let’s face it, what they are saying here is ‘I see your message, but I do not deem you important enough to waste words on.’  

8. When you see ‘someone is typing’ on and off for ages and automatically assume they have something difficult to tell you and are thinking of the best way to word it. They’ve actually just stopped for no reason because their concentration span is shot to pieces by years of social media.

9. Any message the morning after the night before. You are in no fit state to hear how you blasted out three verses of Black Velvet before throwing up in a pint glass. 

10. Inappropriate memes. Everyone has that one friend who sends an inappropriate meme and you forget all about it until your kids are looking through your phone photos and shout ‘what’s a c-word, mummy?’

11. Other people’s holiday photos. You do not want to see 600 photos of their kids on the beach. You can’t exactly join in the fun. It’s like being a creepy virtual child snatcher.  

12. Any message asking if you are free at the weekend.  Tell me why THEN I’ll decide whether I am free or not. 

13. A voice note. You never even listen to your answering machine messages so what makes them think you have time to listen to a 10-minute monologue about their trip to the vet?

14. When someone overdoes the emojis. I don’t need a little sad face to understand you are upset about losing your job. Or a picture of a cake every time you say ‘birthday’. Just use words, mate. 

15. Any message that includes ‘hi hun’, ‘lol’, ‘OMG’ or ‘lmao’.  

16. When someone corrects what was clearly a typo or predictive text error: ‘nicf one? Don’t you mean nice, lol’ Just fucj off.

Six things you won't admit you're only doing because of peer pressure

SLAVISHLY attempting to fit in with your peers is just something pathetic teenagers do, right? Or did you do one of the following things because all your grown-up mates did?

That beard you grew

Men used to be mostly clean-shaven. Then suddenly beards became the fashion, even for beardies ill-suited to it like David Mitchell. Don’t expect anyone to believe you woke up one day in 2017 and spontaneously thought it would be good to look like sailor Action Man.

Having kids

You were never that into kids. But then your friends started getting them and saying things like, ‘It’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever done!’ Now you suspect this is bollocks and they’re just trying to maintain the parental lie that they’re not the slaves of distinctly mediocre little humans who show their gratitude by being rude twats.

Wordle

You lost interest in this game based on dull words like ‘mince’ ages ago, but you’re stuck discussing it with various friends. Friends who aren’t quitters like you and have committed relationships and proper jobs like lawyer. Thanks a lot for the reminder you’re a f**king failure, Wordle.

Caring about the environment

You affect concern and dutifully do your recycling, but the truth is you don’t really care, not in the sense of caring about your receding hairline. Who gives a shit if the dolphins die out? You’re never going to see one in Crewe and they’re a bit overrated. Has a dolphin ever directed a classic movie like Total Recall

Pretending to like quality TV

You feel obliged to agree how brilliant stuff like The Handmaid’s Tale was, but your true tastes are tacky documentaries about the SS, hellish foreign prisons and serial killers. It’s a painful reminder of being 17 and pretending to like dub reggae, leading to much boredom with zero impact on getting laid. 

Skinny jeans 

Skinny jeans are somehow still popular. Even slim teenagers look stupid in them, like they’ve had a pair of spindly cyborg legs grafted on in some sci-fi experiment. The contrast is even worse for anyone with even a hint of a paunch – ie. you. Still, it’s better than giving up entirely, like your dad, who was still wearing his flares in 1986.