Even funny pie stories now ending in abject misery

EVEN funny stories about a fat man eating a pie now end in the ruination of everyone involved, it has been confirmed.

The joyful moment in which a porky footballer bit through some flaky pastry in slow-motion, to the delight of millions, has led to his resignation from the club he loves because of the arseholes who run football.

Sutton United fan Norman Steele said: “What happened is some knob-end at a betting company made a shit joke about our reserve keeper Wayne being fat.

“Wayne, who’s a great lad, really dedicated to the club, heart and soul of grassroots football, decided to make it funny by actually eating a pie on the bench, providing the high point of an otherwise pedestrian game.

“At this point the largely impotent FA took out all their frustrations on Wayne by forcing him to resign.

“That’s 2017 in a nutshell. Attempt to have a laugh and get stamped on by po-faced wankers, forever.”

Britain’s next funny story will be about a skateboarding duck, enjoyed for up to eight seconds, before an HGV runs it over.


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Woman loves Amazon Echo thing more than she loves boyfriend

A WOMAN has developed feelings for a device that is more attentive and useful than her boyfriend, it has emerged.

Nikki Hollis, 28, was given the voice-activated speaker by her boyfriend Tom Booker for Christmas and has found it more capable of a supportive and fulfilling relationship than he is.

Hollis said: “The Amazon thing is there for me in ways that Tom has never been. It listens to what I say and responds instantly without me having to repeat myself 19 times.

“It is happy with my music choices and doesn’t roll its eyes when I want to have a big weep along to the Titanic soundtrack. It can even control the thermostat without getting in a massive, defensive huff about not understanding how it works.

“Sometimes it accidentally orders 2,400 toilets rolls from Sainsbury’s when I’ve only asked for 12, but, hey, nobody’s perfect and relationships are all about compromise.

“I’ll admit the sex part of the relationship is somewhat lacking, but Tom is no great shakes in that area either.”