Monday, 19th April 2021

Flaunting curves: the Daily Mail's breakdown of everything a woman does wrong while walking down the street

NOTHING stirs the moral outrage of a Mail reader like the sight of a young woman shamelessly out in public. Here’s that needless provocation broken down: 

Flaunting curves

Here a fuller-figured celebrity has invited a passive-aggressive takedown by daring to leave the house wearing something smaller than a tent. Readers are also invited to observe that a ‘busty show’ has occurred, due to the presence of breasts upon the woman’s body.

Leggy display

A woman has boldly paraded millennia of evolutionary progress in favour of bipedalism by cavorting upright on both legs while wearing shorts, a skirt, yoga pants or skinny jeans. Such carefree exuberance may threaten to ‘set pulses racing’, which is entirely her fault.

Packs on the PDA

Covers a multitude of sins from smiling too widely at her boyfriend to physical contact with the opposite sex or, shamfully and titillatingly, the same sex. Simply grabbing a takeaway latte hand-in-hand with a romantic partner is the kind of loved-up display that makes any right-thinking Daily Mail reader nauseous.

Highlights her trim physique

Caught exercising outdoors, this woman is quite frankly rubbing the world’s nose in it by daring to have the kind of body that the Mail approves of. She’ll pay for ‘showcasing her toned frame’ later, when a pap gets a picture of her looking fat.

Boldly going make-up free

Not so pretty now, are you, minor celebrity? NOT SO PRETTY NOW.

Embracing her baby bump

Here a famous person in the late stages of pregnancy has shunned 24-hour home confinement in favour of popping to the shop for a Magnum. The humanity!