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GCSE app to automatically take jumping-in-air selfies

A NEW app will inform pupils of GCSE results and automatically capture images of them jumping in the air for local newspapers. 

Ministers hope the app will save money for media outlets who will no longer need to send a sweating, overweight man with a moustache to cajole 16-year-olds to leap for his camera.

Education secretary Bridget Phillipson said: “Only for grades 7 and above, obviously. If you’ve received a handful of 5s and 6s stay firmly on the ground.

“But if you’ve achieved multiple top grades the app will, before giving you your results, direct you into your parents’ leafy garden – these students will be middle-class or something’s gone awry – so there’s a pleasant backdrop.

“It will deliver the results, the student will naturally jump as everyone does when receiving good news, and the app will take a mid-air shot and email it to the local press alongside an AI-generated quote from you.

“Facial recognition software will match female students who have six or more 9s and are physically 10s for the national press. Dress sexy.”

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'I have signed a historic trade deal with oh shit they're at war'

By Sir Keir Starmer, the prime minister you delightedly voted for only last year, remember?

THIS trade deal with India, soon to be the world’s third largest economy, is a historic accord which what do you mean they’re at war? 

Could they not have waited? Because we’ve just signed the largest and most beneficial trade agreement since leaving the EU in 2020, and yes I know they have nuclear weapons. And so does Pakistan. Who they’re at war with. Yes. 

Minor and soon-to-be-peacefully-settled conflicts nonwithstanding, the agreement reduces taxes on our imports including whiskey and luxury cars while promising Britons cheaper clothing and why now? Seriously? 

I’m getting shit from left and right because of poxy local elections, I come back with a major trade deal – beating Trump to it, by the way – and India goes and ruins it by firing a bunch of missiles. Thanks a f**king lot. 

And now Pakistan’s shot down five Indian jets. Right. Maybe this isn’t going to blow over quickly enough for everyone to celebrate my deal and change their voting intentions. 

Why are they even fighting anyway? Because of a line the British drew a hundred years ago? Mm. Yeah maybe we’re better off staying out of this one, apart from selling them arms. 

Still, historic deal, great day for Britain, I’m an international statesman focused on long-term economic growth etcetera. What? You’re calling me Two-Tier Keir over a perfectly ordinary National Insurance exemption? Honestly. F**k you people. 

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