Rice noodles and an eight-pack of Richmond sausages you must eat today: fine dining from the supermarket's reduced section

7th May 2025

GREAT cooking is about spontaneity, and what could be more of the moment than a meal prepared using only the whoopsiest of yellow-stickered goods? Chef Joanna Kramer will be your guide:

Rice noodles and eight on-their-date sausages

The perfect pairing of proteins and carbohydrates, texture and flavour, East and West. The most serendipitous of fusion cuisine. The grease on the sausages will impart enough flavour to make this stunning, pale bargain register on the tastebuds. Remember, consume before midnight or you’ll be extremely ill!

Yellowing broccoli and some wafer thin ham

Broccoli is one of nature’s superfoods, even if these particular stems look a little jaundiced. Twirl the ham around it for a witty on-the-budget take on asparagus wrapped in Parma ham. Classy, especially when eaten alone lit only by a laptop showing pornography.

A blue smoothie and a squashed cheese quiche

That this tart has been crushed beyond recognition means that it can only be sold at a discounted price, and also that you can refer to it as ‘deconstructed’. Hello, El Bulli! And what it doesn’t have in structural integrity, it retains in freshness. That unpopular, alien-shaded smoothie will wash down the dry crust.

Microwave lentil soup and coronation chicken filling

Soup and a sandwich: a classic combination. All that’s missing here is the bread, which can be summoned from your imagination as you alternate sips of scalding, bland broth with chilled yellow chunks of chicken. God save the King.

A Cornish pasty and a lettuce

A pasty on its own? Hardly nutritious enough to constitute a meal, unless you’re an 18th-century tin miner. But pair it with an entire head of lettuce that’s been on the turn since Thursday which you’re chomping through like a hungry tortoise, and you’ve got a balanced and boldly British meal.

A family size moussaka and six cream horns

Put this on the menu, Heston Blumenthal: a meal for six bought at 9.38pm, with just two hours and 22 minutes of freshness left. Not safe for freezing? Challenge accepted. Godspeed, you culinary maverick.

The Reform councillor's guide to being a pain in the arse from day one

7th May 2025

REFORM councillors drunk on limited local power are banning flags and spurning equality training. if you’re one of the 800, these tactics will ensure you achieve nothing constructive:

Demand white wheelie bins

It’s a sign of the woke madness destroying Britain that we have black and brown wheelie bins but never white ones. Blow your council’s budget on sourcing white wheelie bins which residents hate because they look instantly filthy. But someone needs to stand up for our proud Anglo-Saxon heritage of mobile polyethylene waste receptacles.

Fight the global warming hoax

All local councils propagate the global warming myth, but right-wing orthodoxy now dictates that we should make our planet uninhabitable to prove a point. All recycling must therefore cease. The smile will be on the other side of Thunberg’s face when Staffordshire District Council is sending its yoghurt pots and Amazon boxes to landfill.

Do f**k all about potholes

Constituents would love it if you fixed the potholes marring our roads. Unfortunately you’ll be too busy with the pressing issue of pronouns. A non-binary junior member of staff being allowed to say ‘they-them’ in an email signature is completely ruining the life of everyone in Britain.

Commission mental memorials

Does Tunbridge Wells have any particular connection to the Battle of Caen in 1944? No. So it urgently needs a memorial: maybe a full-scale bronze Cromwell tank? Other neglected victories of Empire include the Opium Wars, the battle of Vimeiro and our finest hour: the recapture of Port Stanley.

Boycott diversity training

Reform councillors have already vowed not to attend a few hours of diversity training, even though they’re the only people in Britain who actually need it. Also attempt to get the unnatural ban on touching up female colleagues scrapped, compulsory drag queen nursery teachers banned, and all black dogs to be given racist names.

Model yourself on UKIP MEPs

Remember when Britain used to send UKIP MEPs to the European Parliament to determinedly claim expenses? Make them your role models. Immediately start putting in dodgy claims for personal gifts and expensive meals, although to be honest Reform politicians tend to fill their boots with no encouragement needed.

Sack anyone working from home

It’s a sign that modern society is weak and pampered which you must bitterly oppose. While wondering where your office is that you can turn up to every day so you can smoke at your desk. There isn’t one? As a councillor, you’re largely a homeworker? Ignore this contradiction, and instead ask ‘Would our Spitfire pilots have worked from home?’ in the council chamber.

Wank on endlessly about Union Jacks

Securing the display of British flags should be the key activity of Reform councillors. Planning permission should only be granted for extensions with a 36ft flagpole and all council amenities should be adorned with our national flag. Nothing makes your heart swell with patriotic pride like a red, white and blue dogshit bin.