How to comment on Mail Online

ARE you unsure how to jump into commenting in the bearpit of vicious invective that is the Daily Mail’s website? Here’s how:

Coherence is for lefties

Instead of taking the extra seconds to make your point clear, take a scattershot approach bringing in Corbyn, Churchill, Kourtney Kardashian, what your mate told you about wind turbines and CBeebies liberal bias.

Hate everything

Mail Online comments are basically an online therapy session for life’s losers, so vent your bitterness against everything. If a cute kitten has been given a prosthetic leg, ask why the limb wasn’t given to a British soldier maimed in ‘one of Tony B Liar’s wars’.

Keep your views just to the right of Hitler

Don’t just be a suburban fascist. Instead come at issues from a weird ultra-right perspective utterly divorced from reality, for example calling Tory chancellor Philip Hammond a ‘hard-left Fidel Castro communist’.

Make the old ‘Who?’ joke

Prove just how reactionary you are by pretending to be ignorant of globally famous figures such as Taylor Swift by commenting ‘Who?’ like a High Court judge in the 1960s. Extra points if you only do it to women.

Bring your personal bugbear into everything

Against the EU? Well, that’s germane to Brexit, Harry and Meghan, Easter eggs, Holly Willoughby’s diet news, a viral cip of a lizard in a bowling alley and a scare scory about building society interest rates. Get it on.

Stupidly-punctuated racism

If you’re slagging Muslims – it’s always Muslims – use punctuation to confuse software filtering out racism, eg ‘M.u.S – li .ms’. Much as Germans in the 1930s would write to Der Sturmer about ‘d-i.e J_u_den’.

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Would living in a fascist state really be that bad?

WOULD Britain becoming a fascist state ruled by Boris Johnson or a giant floating head on a screen actually be a bad as it sounds?

Would the trains run on time?
Mussolini was once famously said to have made the trains run on time in Italy, though this was later proved to be a massive fucking lie. This is because when you live in a fascist state the leaders can say whatever the bollocks they want and everyone has to act like it’s true because they could kill you if they wanted to without any of that due process palava.

What’s wrong with internment camps?
Being an intern sounds horrible to most of us. Unless your parents are already paying your way through life in London so you can pretty much afford to take an intern job as it’s your parents who are paying your wages anyway. But in a fascist state we’d all be forced into internment camps, where we’d be made to make cups of coffee for these pricks all day long with very little genuine thanks from them.

What good did democracy ever do us anyway?
Democracy has been round for years and it hasn’t done us that much good when you really think about it. It’s like ‘science’ – a load of theory but very little in the way of actual results. So why not just do away with it and we can all just automatically vote for the massive floating head on the screen which will thankfully do all the thinking for us.

Netflix vs Public Executions
You’ve seen everything you want to watch on Netflix so you could just cancel your subscription and instead get your kicks watching dissidents being hung from lampposts in town squares across the country after they’ve been sentenced to death by people who think Tommy Robinson talks a lot of sense for a bloke who used to run a tanning parlour.

Rule Britannia – or are you one of those traitors that everyone’s talking about?

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