ARE you a BBC reporter canvassing public opinion out in the regions? Make sure you get an unrepresentative sample of dickheads with these tips:
Look for daytime drinkers
Most people offer measured, thoughtful opinions at lunchtime, and if you wanted that you could have stayed in London. Daytime drinkers, particularly in Wetherspoons, are much more likely to offer trite views like ‘They’re all liars’ and also have a deep love of Brexit, which of course was entirely based on pure and noble truth.
Seek out the angry
Look for taut neck muscles and red skin. They’re never angry about their own precarious financial situation, it’s either immigration or something incoherent. ’There’s no respect. None. Corbyn? My dad fought in Korea.’ Nod seriously as if this is important information you will be pondering late into the night.
Interview students from local colleges
Need some vapid left-wingers? There’ll always be a few 18-year-olds drifting around when not doing A-level textile studies. Expect some vague, gormless stuff about the environment or not being able to work abroad. They’re the other side of the ‘thick Brexiter’ coin, necessary for balance.
Chase mobility scooters
The ideal interview subject is someone aged 70+ who has never left the town they grew up in and only cares about their pension. It’s the only way you’ll hear the authentic voice of 21st-century Britain.
Never speak to middle class people with jobs
These awkward bastards might be concerned about the economy and informed on the issues. Yes, even in Hartlepool. Easy to avoid because you’ll be in the studio editing your witless vox pops before they finish work. If you must speak to someone with employed, go for angry market traders convinced the French are stopping them selling 99p Chinese alarm clocks.
Never challenge anyone’s views
If someone says ‘I’m sick of being called a racist for being white,’ steer clear of reasonable questions like ‘Has that actually ever happened?’ Journalism isn’t about asking questions. It’s about nutters.