Five panic orders for when the waiter arrives before you've decided

DINING out? Caught off-guard by a waiter? These panic orders will stop you looking like a blithering idiot who’s been chatting rather than reading the menu: 

‘The pasta’

All restaurants have some kind of pasta dish on their books, even if it’s fennel and asparagus or some shite. So when you’ve spent too long looking at your phone and haven’t even given the menu a cursory glance and the waiter knows it, pasta is a safe bet. A safe, boring bet that will cost £12 for something you could make at home.


Afraid you won’t get the waiter’s attention again if you don’t order now? A pie fulfils multiple criteria – meaty, pastry, probably chips. It’s a good panic choice if you’re paralysed by indecision and don’t mind the trade-off of spending the rest of the evening with heartburn.

‘Fish and chips’

At least you know what you’re getting, right? You’ll be punished for your lack of imagination, as it’s never as good as it would be from a takeaway and you’ll likely regret spending £12.50 on a piece of batter and precisely five well-presented but bland chips, but at least you’re not holding up the rest of the table.

‘The veggie option’

You thought about going for something healthy tonight but as the waitress breathes down your neck you can’t remember what healthy food is. Vegetables, right? You’ve just ordered breaded mushrooms smothered in melted cheese, but the suffocating weight of choice isn’t crushing you anymore.

‘A basket of bread’

If you’re genuinely too anxious to even blurt out ‘Steak!’ then you could just get into a constant loop of ordering a basket of bread ‘while we decide’, and then another basket of bread, and then another, until you’re asked to leave. It’s filling and cheap. You could do much, much worse, like the fish.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

How to enjoy the perfect bank holiday hangover

OVERDID it in the beer garden yesterday? Here’s how to spend a precious day off indulging your acute hangover until it finally subsides: 

9am to 11.15am: groan pathetically

A steady chorus of feeble whimpers will signal to the world that your head is being squeezed in a vice in a room that’s nauseously spinning. Keep going for hours as you toss and turn in sweat-soaked sheets in the vain hope that contemptible groaning will help metabolise all those pints faster. It won’t.

11.15am to 1pm: make a fried breakfast

A quick and easy hangover cure if you’d planned ahead and bought bacon, beans and hash browns. But as all you’ve got in is a stale half-box of Cookie Crisp, you’ve now got to stagger to the Spar and heave in the produce aisle as the smell of cauliflower hits you in the face.

1pm to 3pm: bring up your fried breakfast

Just like Christmas and Easter, bank holidays have their own time-honoured customs. Sadly they’re less fun, involving as they do feeling your stomach roll and flex in preparation for the regurgitation of the greasy, burnt breakfast you prepared earlier. Getting some sick on the T-shirt you slept in is all part of the fun.

3pm to 5.30pm: crash out on the sofa

The sofa is the perfect place to lie prone while watching TV while close to death, which is handy because you’re incapable of doing anything else. It’s not like you’re missing out though; even if you were stone-cold sober this is how you’d spend your day off. You just wouldn’t feel quite so f**king awful.

5.30pm to 9pm: research animal tranquilisers

Wondering why your daylong regime of paracetamol and ibprofen has done nothing? Try to speed up the process by reading about drugs that can knock out an elephant in less than fifteen minutes. As you start to look into buying tiletamine darts on the darknet you’ll realise your hangover has faded from intolerable into merely horrible, just in time for work tomorrow.