THE Daily Mail is is unquestionably the worst, most vindictive newspaper out there, but your parents still insist on buying it every day. Here’s how to wean them off it.
Buy them puzzle books
‘I only get it because I like the puzzle pages’ your mum bleats when you tackle them about how appalling the Mail is. Buy them a variety of puzzle books and magazines so they no longer have a reason to keep buying it. Even though you’re plotting like Machiavelli, you’ll look like the world’s most thoughtful child.
Intercept the delivery
Stand outside their front door at 6am, looking as if you’re just leaving for work. When the paperboy arrives, he’ll assume it’s your house and hand the paper to you. Then throw it in the bin. If your disappointed parents ask you to pop to the shops for them and get a copy, tell them they were sold out so you picked up a Guardian instead.
Get a rival paper delivered
Slowly indoctrinate them into real life by paying to get something less rabidly right-wing delivered. So any other newspaper really. Start off with the Daily Telegraph, before moving on to the Independent, the Guardian and then the Morning Star. Soon, they’ll be reciting Karl Marx and singing ‘The Internationale’ while baking cakes to give to workers on picket lines.
Ask for charity donations for Christmas
The Mail spoon-feeds your parents hatred against Europeans, Meghan Markle, teachers, students, remoaners, poor people, and basically everyone. Show them it’s okay to be nice to other people by asking that instead of a birthday present, you’d like a donation to a charity that helps people in need.
Thanks to the Daily Mail, your parents believe gangs of illegal immigrants are roaming the streets at night, waiting to break into their house and murder them. Use actual statistics and gradually get them used to the idea that in the past 50 years, not one Daily Mail reader has been murdered in their bed by a gang of illegal immigrants.
Threaten to disown them
As a last resort, threaten to never speak to them again if they continue buying the Mail. They’ll soon back down when they realise they will no longer be able to ask you to fix their computer or mow their lawn. They might cut you out of their wills as revenge, but it would be worth it to get two fewer Mail readers.