How to wean your parents off the Daily Mail

THE Daily Mail is is unquestionably the worst, most vindictive newspaper out there, but your parents still insist on buying it every day. Here’s how to wean them off it.

Buy them puzzle books

‘I only get it because I like the puzzle pages’ your mum bleats when you tackle them about how appalling the Mail is. Buy them a variety of puzzle books and magazines so they no longer have a reason to keep buying it. Even though you’re plotting like Machiavelli, you’ll look like the world’s most thoughtful child.

Intercept the delivery

Stand outside their front door at 6am, looking as if you’re just leaving for work. When the paperboy arrives, he’ll assume it’s your house and hand the paper to you. Then throw it in the bin. If your disappointed parents ask you to pop to the shops for them and get a copy, tell them they were sold out so you picked up a Guardian instead.

Get a rival paper delivered

Slowly indoctrinate them into real life by paying to get something less rabidly right-wing delivered. So any other newspaper really. Start off with the Daily Telegraph, before moving on to the Independent, the Guardian and then the Morning Star. Soon, they’ll be reciting Karl Marx and singing ‘The Internationale’ while baking cakes to give to workers on picket lines.

Ask for charity donations for Christmas

The Mail spoon-feeds your parents hatred against Europeans, Meghan Markle, teachers, students, remoaners, poor people, and basically everyone. Show them it’s okay to be nice to other people by asking that instead of a birthday present, you’d like a donation to a charity that helps people in need.

Use statistics

Thanks to the Daily Mail, your parents believe gangs of illegal immigrants are roaming the streets at night, waiting to break into their house and murder them. Use actual statistics and gradually get them used to the idea that in the past 50 years, not one Daily Mail reader has been murdered in their bed by a gang of illegal immigrants.

Threaten to disown them

As a last resort, threaten to never speak to them again if they continue buying the Mail. They’ll soon back down when they realise they will no longer be able to ask you to fix their computer or mow their lawn. They might cut you out of their wills as revenge, but it would be worth it to get two fewer Mail readers.

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The five most sickening things loved-up couples say to each other

BEING in love is wonderful, but not when you affect the wellbeing of those around you by uttering these nauseating phrases:

‘You complete me’

You are a beautiful human jigsaw puzzle and this new relationship completes the picture of you. However it’s a phrase that’s enough to make you barf, and soon you may want to be part of a less needy jigsaw puzzle.

‘Our love is eternal’ 

It’s a beautiful sentiment, but a massive lie. There’s a strong chance that after going on holiday with your partner you’ll discover they are f**king weird, like your strange Uncle Kevin who collects beermats or snobby Aunt Petunia.

‘We never argue’

Glossing over potential disputes is the classic mistake all new couples make. Wait until the snoring and not setting the TV volume to the right level become an issue. The festering anger will one day produce a four-letter fireworks display your friends will buy front-row seats for.

‘Everything makes sense when we’re together’

During the mind-fog of the early days of a relationship your lack of compatibility can be ignored. Then your partner starts wearing a hat in public, and nothing makes sense again.

‘I can’t breathe without you’

You were breathing perfectly well before the love of your life came along. And now you believe they provide the oxygen that fuels your existence. Get a f**king grip and just say ‘I really like you’.