'Humanity near extinction' and 'Why are avocados either underripe or overripe?': Five awkwardly paired Guardian articles

DO you sometimes feel the Guardian’s hard news jars with its endless lifestyle wank? Let’s sample a selection. 

‘Risk of nuclear war in next 48 hours’ and ‘Am I a feminist for letting my wife choose my socks?’

Washington fears Armageddon is all but inevitable following the latest Putin threats. Meanwhile, am I oppressing my wife by leaving it to her to buy my socks from M&S, or am I a truly modern man for letting her be boss?

‘A Republican victory would spell the end of democracy in the US’ and ‘Should I feel guilty for having a spa session instead of watching my son’s nativity?’

Political analysts warn the world could be plunged into fascism by 2024, but why should I deny myself hard-earned ‘me time’ to watch my son’s outdated Christian ritual?

‘Oceans to reach boiling point by 2027’ and ‘How do I tell my Asian friends I don’t like curry?’

Ocean temperatures are set to exceed 100 degrees, killing all sea life and destroying the ecosystem, scientists have warned. Also, rather than endless dishes with cumin and turmeric, would just a plain cheese flan be too much to ask for, and am I racist for assuming South Asian people like curry anyway?

‘UK supermarkets face empty shelves risking mass starvation’ and ‘Is 2023 the death knell for hipster beards?’

Millions face death by starvation owing to our crumbling supply chain. Meanwhile, can I finally shave off this f**king stupid beard in a welcome comeback for razorblades and being pleasantly clean-shaven?

‘Humanity near to extinction’ and ‘Why are avocados either under-ripe or overripe?’

Scientists have warned that mankind will die out next week unless all fossil fuel production ceases immediately. But more importantly, why can I never find that minuscule ‘sweet spot’ in which an avocado is actually edible?

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Well done, now score when it matters, Kane told

HARRY Kane has been congratulated on becoming England’s top goal scorer but advised to do it during a World Cup quarter-final penalty.

The 29-year-old Tottenham striker, who put away his 54th goal against Italy last night, has beaten Wayne Rooney’s record to become the nation’s top-scoring player who has won absolutely nothing for the country.

Armchair pundit Tom Booker said: “Yes, well done. But let’s have a look at the trophy cabinet shall we? Looks a bit empty, doesn’t it? Well, at least the men’s one does.

“Scoring a record-breaking goal is all well and good, but why piss it away on a measly Euro qualifier match? Wouldn’t you have rather put it away a few months ago and taken us to the World Cup final? Then last night’s goal would’ve been your 55th. Just a thought.

“If, for some reason, you had to break the record last night, couldn’t you have rearranged some of the goals earlier in your career? There must have been at least one you could have held back and used against France last year. You’re the expert though, I suppose.”

Kane said: “God, it never occurred to me it would have been good if I hadn’t missed that penalty in Qatar. Thanks for pointing that out, I’ve noted it down.”