'Well, that was a waste of f**king time': Nicola Sturgeon and a bottle of single malt reflect

NINE years in power. And what have I got to show for it? Absolutely f**king f**k all.

Is Scotland independent? It is f**king not. Are the bastard English Tories still ruling over us from London? Yes, they absolutely are. What was the point of that then? F**ked if I know.

Nine years. Nine years of banging the drum for a referendum we’d already lost. Nine years of twat prime ministers from Eton arsing up the country I love to get votes from racists in Kent.

How did I spend my last day, half-empty bottle of Macallan 12-year-old on my desk? So glad you f**king asked. I spent it in Holyrood with that weapon Douglas Ross attacking me. Is there anything more pathetic than a Scottish Tory? The daft hen who fights them, perhaps?

I couldn’t even beat JK bloody Rowling in a fight where I had the full weight of government behind me and she had a Twitter account. And the scandals are queuing up. My husband’s resigned, the members are quitting, we can’t get so much as a ferry built.

Face the facts. Scotland’s small and largely empty, and our key national characteristics are losing wars and getting off our f**king faces.

If I’m as legendary as William Wallace, Guardian of Scotland for half a year before he got his arse kicked, it’s no more than I deserve. It’s shite being Scottish. Trainspotting was right.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Totally unique Gen Z problems that have not affected anyone else before

EVERY generation thinks their problems are unique. Here member of Generation Z Josh Hudson explains the woes of his cohort that old people like you will never understand.

The environment

You’re so apathetic, but my generation is different. We won’t start out idealistic, then realise every government will fight tooth and nail to allow big business to keep mining and polluting, lose hope and settle for recycling yoghurt pots like you. We’ll keep fighting. I’ve already retweeted a Spongebob Squarepants meme about turtles. That will make people wake up.

Never owning a house

Just a dream for most of Gen Z. We’re missing out on owning a ludicrously overpriced asset that skyrockets in value for doing f**k all. That and being smug homeowners forever droning on about property prices who force the generation after us out of the market. It’s so unfair.

Technology addiction 

We were born into a world where technology dominates every aspect of our lives. The toll on my generation has been horrific – sometimes I can’t stop myself playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare II until 4am and sleeping through lunch. I’ve lost two close friends to TikTok – they used to be so sociable and lively, now they’re only interested in Nutella microwave recipes and some weird-looking guy singing along to Nelly Furtado.


I can’t believe everyone used to think racism was fine until my generation explained it wasn’t. Pressure from Gen Z has brought changes that really make a difference to ethnic minorities’ lives, eg. there are black hobbits now. As for LGBTQ+ issues, we’re helping by ruthlessly enforcing the use of the correct obscure, ever-changing terminology on Twitter. 


Bullying is an entirely new phenomenon. Before social media it just wasn’t possible. Would bullies travel halfway across the country and write ‘Ur a fag get aids + die shithead’ on someone’s garden wall? I don’t think so. My mum says bullies made her life hell at school, but I think she’s just trying to be down with young people, like when she claims to like pop music, not old person music like classical and hymns.

Job insecurity 

Gen Z will never have a job for life, but for earlier generations even a creative career like aspiring writer or forming a band was a well-paid, steady job with a union. You’d never have to give up on your dreams and work in an office just to have some sort of normal life. I hate all you poets, painters and mime artists – you made your millions, bought massive houses and pulled up the ladder behind you.

Not getting laid

With our insecure employment and and crummy houseshares, it’s no wonder Gen Zers like me can’t get any sex. A frustrating lack of a shag is a problem that’s never affected young people before. The government needs to step in and at the very least provide us with free Kleenex.