ARE you thinking about writing to the Guardian with a sexual problem but are worried it’s not middle-class enough? Read our guide.
It should include something painfully bourgeois
Normal people get bored of shagging the same person. You should no longer fancy your partner because you’re obsessed with the attractive watercolours tutor Valentina on your two-week creative retreat in Sardinia.
It should be hideously complicated
“I can’t get it up” or “My husband has become fat and unattractive” are genuine sex problems but not really intellectual enough for the Guardian. Try something more poncy, like:
“I’ve always envied my sister’s lesbian relationships but with a demanding new job in arts management I don’t have time for sexual experimentation. My husband is straight but had same-sex relationships at university, so am I feeling a justifiable sense of ennui or is it just ‘new job jitters’? Also…” [Continue until readers are utterly confused.]
It should prove how liberal you are
This sort of thing is good: “My wife and I have a great sex life, but recently I realised I’ve never had a gay or transgender experience. Should I get a sex change and start sleeping with men who used to be called Naomi?”
It should be pretentious
You know the score. “I cannot achieve orgasm unless I imagine my colleague Matteusz. He has an appreciation of Paganini my husband, an IT consultant, can never hope to have.”
It should include a jaw-dropping ‘WTF’ element
The best Guardian sex problems are totally unlike the average person’s sex life. Definitely send in problems such as:
“My boyfriend only enjoys sex if we do it doggystyle with me dressed as Darth Vader while he inserts exotic fruit into his rectum and our mutual friend Hugh watches. Recently I’ve gone off sex because I’m worried about food waste, but am I being too heteronormative?”