WANT a lucrative job churning out opinions for the Daily Telegraph? Follow this tried-and-tested advice for writing pandering, reactionary drivel.
Pull a ‘culture war’ out of your arse
Reach right up your rectum and pull out some niche controversies that (A) only a handful of people give a toss about, and (B) will have no effect on the real world. Make things up to ‘prove’ your point: ‘What next? A Dad’s Army remake with Pike coming out as transgender and Captain Womanwaring?’
Claim youngsters have gone soft then whine about having to wear a mask
Harp on about Britain’s youth lacking the fortitude to make it through a crisis (roll out some cliches about obesity, computer games and overprotective parents) while moaning about having to wear a mask in Waitrose for 15 minutes. Imply you bravely defied Nazi Germany aged -50.
Cheerlead for the Brexit tyre-fire because scavenging for food and fuel builds character
Five years ago you were crowing about the fountain of money that would be showered on the NHS. Now that everything’s turned out like you secretly knew it would, claim that’s great too. Food, fuel and lorry shortages will make men out of us Brits, including the women, but thankfully not in the transgender sense.
Complain of being cancelled because no one reviewed your shitty novel
Pose for a photo across a two-page spread with a plaster over your mouth. Don’t mention that reviewers had better books to review than your leaden comic satire on modern Britain. Also omit the fact that your ‘cancellation’ includes a serialisation in the Telegraph.
Just keep saying it. Woke. Woke. Wokety woke. Use it until it loses all meaning. Should I no longer use obviously offensive terms like ‘poof’? It’s woke. This weather won’t make its mind up, will it? Bloody woke.