EVERY bus passenger knows there’s a clear hierarchy of bus seats. But which are the worst and which are the best?
Up front near the driver
Not only are you at risk of an old person squeezing in your seat and telling you their deeply-prejudiced views on Strictly, you’re exposed to every draught from the opening doors. And the driver might have a companion who stands up front chatting and gives you dirty looks like you’re trying to get in on their good time.
Three-quarters back on the lower deck
Everyone gets on, hurries past the freaks at the front, and goes further back to see if there’s a double seat free. But because everyone does that there never is so you’re either sitting next to some bus wanker or they’re sitting next to you.
Back of the lower deck
At school you were one of the cool kids who ruled the back seat with stories of videogame prowess and fingering. Instinctively you still head there, but you’re not one of the cool kids now. You’re 34 and those teenagers talking about a twat in a twat coat are talking about you.
The turntable bit on a bendy bus
Not only are there single seats eliminating any danger of sharing personal space, but the front of the bus moves and you don’t or the back of the bus does and you don’t. Which is basically like magic and you’re the wizard.
Back of the top deck
The seat furthest away from the driver so the most rebellious, but the teens can’t be bothered to trekking up here when there’s more people to insult down below. Position yourself in the middle with your arms outstretched and feel like a king. However spilled liquids will make their way towards your bag.
Front of the top deck above the driver
Hands down the winner, this seat that allows you to pretend you’re flying down a hill, hovering through an urban landscape, see into the bedrooms of passing houses and find out what’s on the top of bus stops. You’re like unto a God.