Local man succeeds in getting on news

AN unexceptional local man has finally achieved his ambition of appearing on a national news programme. 

Keir Starmer, a solicitor, has long harboured a dream of being on all Britain’s national news bulletins for his achievements, and has tried various madcap methods of doing it. 

He said: “Viewers of ITV News Tyne Tees might remember me as the guy who sued Asda’s cafe for not serving Marmite on toast. 

“I’ve appeared on Anglia for doing neighbourhood watch with a drone, on Wales at Six trying to surf across Pontcysyllte Aqueduct, and on Granada Reports because a sinkhole opened in my garden. 

“But I’ve never managed to make the national news, so I decided to play the long game. An allotment gardener I used to know, bit of a rival, was always on there and it wasn’t just for the size of his marrows. 

“So I decided ‘if it’s good enough for him’ and followed him into the leadership of this political thing, the Labour Party. Unfortunately nobody noticed at first because of the pandemic, but I did my big speech and I’ve made it! Top of the news, Ma!” 

He added: “Look out for me on STV News next week. I’m going across Nevis Gorge on a tightrope. Unless it’s windy.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Five gammon fantasies about the new 'woke' Bond film he's refusing to watch

THE old James Bond wasn’t afraid to charm ladies with a slap or quip about shifty orientals. Despite not having seen No Time To Die, gammon Roy Hobbs explains what’s wrong with it.

Bond takes the knee every time a black character enters the room

It’s gone way too far. Bond used to strangle SMERSH operatives with his bare hands, while joking about it. Now he’s kow-towing to a different Marxist organisation: BLM. Disgusting.

Bond acknowledges his feelings and cries like a girl

It’s all about bloody ‘feelings’ these days. You think Sean Connery had feelings? Did he f**k. The only feelings he had were pride at putting some hysterical woman straight with a firm smack.

Bond wears a pink dress like he’s Grayson Perry, or something

I’ve not seen the film but this probably happens. Come on! What next, Bond making bloody ceramics? Or a gay Bond? I won’t be able to sleep tonight after imagining that.

The Americans play a significant role

Don’t be ridiculous. In the old Bond films, the Americans offered token assistance as Bond averted global catastrophe with just his tuxedo, an Aston Martin, a Union Jack parachute and a Walther PPK. Now they’re making out the Yanks are some sort of superpower or something.

They let off the arch-villain because he had a troubled upbringing and give him 20 hours community service

It’s what happens these days. If Bond’s going to be a woman of colour, the only one that’s vaguely acceptable is Priti Patel. She’d probably torture Blofeld and feed him to sharks herself.