AN unexceptional local man has finally achieved his ambition of appearing on a national news programme.
Keir Starmer, a solicitor, has long harboured a dream of being on all Britain’s national news bulletins for his achievements, and has tried various madcap methods of doing it.
He said: “Viewers of ITV News Tyne Tees might remember me as the guy who sued Asda’s cafe for not serving Marmite on toast.
“I’ve appeared on Anglia for doing neighbourhood watch with a drone, on Wales at Six trying to surf across Pontcysyllte Aqueduct, and on Granada Reports because a sinkhole opened in my garden.
“But I’ve never managed to make the national news, so I decided to play the long game. An allotment gardener I used to know, bit of a rival, was always on there and it wasn’t just for the size of his marrows.
“So I decided ‘if it’s good enough for him’ and followed him into the leadership of this political thing, the Labour Party. Unfortunately nobody noticed at first because of the pandemic, but I did my big speech and I’ve made it! Top of the news, Ma!”
He added: “Look out for me on STV News next week. I’m going across Nevis Gorge on a tightrope. Unless it’s windy.”