Local newspaper pretending to be important part of community

A DIRE local newspaper claims to be a vital and much-loved part of the local community, it has emerged.

Weekly freesheet the Haverford Chronicle portrays itself as a valuable news source and crusader for reader’s rights, despite mostly containing pictures of people eating baguettes, double glazing adverts and the grievances of local idiots.

Editor Roy Hobbs said: “The Chronicle is always fighting for the interests of the local community, for example by uncritically publishing the stories of people who think they’re allergic to streetlights.

“This week we’ve got a big scoop on someone being fined for fly-tipping, and a special report on a new cake decorating course at the local FE college.

“When Melinda Messenger opened the new multiplex in Frogley we ran the pictures for three weeks as part of an advertising tie-in with Burger King.

“If people want to know what’s going on locally, they turn to us. Us or the internet.”

Local resident Donna Sheridan said: “I’m always pleased when the Chronicle arrives because I’ve got a wood-burning fire.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Highlight of non-drinker’s life is beige soup

A NON-DRINKER’S most enjoyable sensory experience is a bowl of light brown soup, he has revealed.

Office worker Tom Logan’s dislike of alcohol, coupled with his lack of a sexual partner or interest in drugs, means his main source of pleasure is his favourite food, soup.

Logan said: “Obviously soup doesn’t give you a buzz like alcohol or help you get chatting to women. But that doesn’t really matter if you’re at home on your own.

“Soup has numerous advantages over alcohol, such as no hangovers or liver damage, although I’ve had to start hitting the gym after putting on some serious weight from the croutons.

“With all the money I’m saving I’ve started exploring fine soups like Waitrose Beef and Port. I’ve got quite a ‘soup cellar’.

“I did try going to the pub with friends and ordering soup instead of a pint, but people think you’re a weirdo and you feel pretty nauseous by the fifth or sixth round.

“I’ll definitely be sticking with soup though. My only concern is that I become incredibly tense and my hands start to shake if I go too long without a bowl.”