Cancer drug breakthrough prompts man to get back on the fags

NEWS of a breakthrough cancer treatment has prompted a man to light his first cigarette of the year. 

Tom Booker of Derby gave up smoking in December but is so thrilled by the news he has sworn to get back up to a pack a day.

He continued: “That kind of performance in a clinical trial absolutely deserves a tribute smoke.

“I’ve enjoyed not smoking – the other day, it was pissing it down and I just stayed in the pub – but it seems churlish for me to sit this out when they’re out there working so hard on my behalf.

“I’m sparking up this one for the boys in oncology. Thanks, lads. I’m sorry I ever lost faith in you.”

When told that the trial was still in very early stages, Booker vowed to personally boost funding for cancer research with the high tax on his tobacco.

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‘It’s a busy mum’s right to smoke crack at the school gates’

HEADTEACHERS need to stop telling us not to arrive at the school gates wasted on crack, writes busy mum Nikki Hollis.

As a busy, stressed mum I was disgusted to get a letter home from my children’s school telling me I must not arrive there tweaked-out on rocks and wearing a t-shirt as trousers, with my legs through the arm-holes.

The high-and-mighty ‘Mrs Price’ was also unhappy that I was dragging a fox carcass and occasionally gnawing on its leg, which I don’t even remember. But if I did, does she even realise how expensive it is to feed two growing boys? It’s fine for her with her fancy job, I bet she has Waitrose crisps every night, but for a stressed mum on a limited income a random fox carcass is a valuable source of protein.

On the morning in question, I was extra stressed and busy because my boyfriend Clint’s band Robot Forest had a gig at a major local pub which meant I had to support them by staying up all night at the after party. I know how that sounds but Clint is a wordsmith and when the world wakes up to his fusion of folk and Belgian techno we will be able to buy a massive house for all of us.

My sons Sancho, 8, and Devo, a year or two younger, are not getting stretched at the school anyway. They don’t teach them proper stuff like about questioning authority and how everything is a conspiracy, including vaccines and school dinners which have mind control drugs in them.

Just let me live my busy, stressed life, and I’ll let you live yours. Although I am sorry for belting the woman with the big stick I thought she was some kind of copper and not the lollipop lady.