Mail to just continue backing Boris

THE Daily Mail and Daily Express are to continue proclaiming the greatness of Boris Johnson at every opportunity despite him having no role in British politics.

The newspapers have agreed the Conservative party that turned on their beloved Boris no longer holds any appeal for them and, like Take That fans in 1996, they will continue to follow their favourite instead.

Mail editor-in-chief Paul Dacre, to be made a Lord in the resignation honours list, said: “Politics is too complex for the addled minds of our ageing readership. But they love Boris.

“So we’re dropping the whole ‘current affairs’ side of things – the BBC covers it, therefore it’s left-wing – and concentrating on coverage of reader favourites like Nadine Dorries, Jacob Rees-Mogg and of course our hero.

“Every headline will be Boris. Every double-page spread will extol his greatness. Our headline on the eve of the next election will be ‘Barnstorming Boris’s after-dinner address in Boston blows them away’.

“F**k the Tories, they’re dead to us. F**k Brexit, it’s turned out shit. Boris is our one eternal lodestar which will never fade.”

Left-winger Joe Turner said: “I get it. I feel the exact same way about Jeremy Corbyn.”

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'Wouldn't it be great to get Boris back on the telly?' say dickhead TV producers

TWATS working in TV are creaming themselves at the prospect of Boris Johnson being free to boost ratings on their dreadful shows.

Shallow media bastards with no memory or moral compass believe Johnson’s contrived, shambling persona would draw in Saturday night audiences eager to see his fat face fill their TV screens, which sadly it would.

Tom Logan of Big Aardvark Productions said: “Brits love a bumbling posh chap. Look at the way he goofed the pandemic, causing tens of thousands of surplus deaths by not locking down soon enough. Pure Bertie Wooster.

“I’d like to see him get his own show. Tess Daly as co-host for a bit of glamour. Each week Boris would f**k up various things, like buying a rail ticket to Leek. You’d have to be mental not to watch that. It’s TV f**king gold.”

Jack Browne of Yah! Yah! Productions said: “I envisage a Bake Off clone with Boris presenting alongside Nadiya Hussain. They’d be the original odd couple – her a Muslim, him a casual racist. 

“She could bake something, he’d make some comment about letterboxes, and she’d say ‘Oh, Boris!’, or something. It’d be top bantz. And Boris could pretend not to know what basic kitchen items like a spoon were because he’s posh.

“It’d be better than Ed Balls and Michael Portillo rolled into one. He might become so popular as a TV personality he could relaunch his political career and become prime minister again. Wouldn’t that be brilliant?”