Six sadistic things to ask a loyal Boris supporter

AFTER years of having to listen to smug, triumphant Tories, it’s only fair to get some payback. Here are some ‘interesting’ questions to ask Boris fans. 

So, did he get Brexit done then?

Brexit is the one thing many Boris supporters hold most dear. Reminding them it’s more doomed than ever is a bit cruel, like telling Charles Foster Kane, ‘You know that manky old sledge? I put it in the incinerator. Oh and I pissed on it first.’ But frankly they deserve it for inventing the world’s most annoying catchphrase: ‘We won. Get over it.’

Now he’s got time on his hands, will he be having a pint with you?

Boris fans wouldn’t shut up about this. Asking when it’s going to happen might make them confront the fact that Johnson would prefer not to to set foot in a regional pub full of plebeian scum without first having it disinfected and the regulars scrubbed down with stiff brooms and delousing powder. He prefers wine, too.

Still, he can depend on Carrie, right?

Not many people would like to bet money on this. It’s a bit underhand to bring his wife into it, but his opportunistic love life is a reminder that Johnson is a pathetic skirt-chaser out for himself. If you warm to this theme, also ask: ‘D’you remember that Jennifer Arcuri?’

Has he got someone else working on levelling up? 

Johnson considered a policy done if it got a good headline, or indeed any headline. In their heart of hearts, Tory voters know he didn’t give a shit about levelling up and there’s no way the lazy, detail-averse, self-centred twat would have put long-term plans in place for when he left. In short, they’ll really hate you posing this question. Good. 

Are you friends with a lot of sexual predators?

When they splutter ‘What?’ say ‘Oh it’s just that Boris didn’t seem bothered by that sex pest MP. I thought all Tories must be cool with it’. They still might not realise you’re taking the piss – they did vote for Boris, after all – and give you a hilariously impassioned speech about how they don’t agree with it, hanging’s too good for them, and they’re definitely not a paedo themselves.

At least we didn’t end up with Corbyn, eh?

Whatever your views on Corbyn, it’s hard to believe Britain would have been worse off under an earnest old socialist than Boris’s chaotic cronies. Unfortunately a Boris fan won’t see the irony and will genuinely agree it’s bloody lucky Corbyn didn’t get in, nationalise sausages and make everyone join the IRA.

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It was your fault for voting for him, government tells public

FORMER members of the government have blamed the 14 million people who voted for Johnson for this mess, it has emerged.

Boris Johnson’s disastrous premiership has been laid at the feet of every idiot who helped to give him a whopping electoral mandate in 2019 by MPs who fully supported him until a couple of days ago.

Former chancellor Rishi Sunak said: “Under normal circumstances, a flurry of ministerial resignations would be enough to finish off a prime minister. But you had to hand him the biggest Conservative majority since the 1980s, didn’t you?

“Even if everyone had jumped ship earlier and there was just him, Nadine and Larry the cat left, he’d still have clung on to power because it’s the ‘will of the people’. Yes, I’m looking at you.

“We think he’s gone now, but I’m not ruling out him setting himself up as president and promising a thousand-year Reich. That will be entirely your fault.”

Ex-MP for East Hampshire Damian Hinds said: “My constituents say they voted for me, not the deluded, power-obsessed maniac leading the party. But that counts for nothing when a deluded, power-obsessed maniac is actually in charge of the country.

“We’ve finally managed to undo the ungodly mess you created. We even thought about bending the law to do a second vote of no confidence. Luckily it didn’t come to that, but don’t forget you owe us big time when the next election rolls around.”