'Finally I am to deliver on the will of the people by f**king off'

AFTER three years of failing to stay true to my word, I am delighted to finally deliver on the will of the people by f**king off from frontline politics.

For a populist like myself, it’s important I do whatever people want me to – whether that’s getting Brexit done, levelling up the country, or going and not coming back because everyone’s sick to the back teeth of me.

That’s why I’m handing my notice in today. I know how to take a hint, and if you all want me to slink away forever and die in a corner then who am I to argue? You’re all wrong, you f**king nobodies, but that’s just my opinion. I am, as ever, your humble public servant.

At least I’ll be going out on a high. The death throes of my political career will surely come to be seen as its high point. As the old showbiz saying goes, you should always leave the audience wanting more. 

Even if I stayed on, nothing would be able to top the media circus of the last few days. For years now most of you have wanted to see the back of me, and I’m delighted to have met your expectations in the most spectacular way possible as my kingdom of twattery comes crashing down around me.

You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone, and you’re going to miss me when Raab or Truss or f**king Steve Barclay takes over. But if you really want me to resign and get a £420,000 payout in the process, I’m happy to oblige.

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Ghost unmasked by Scooby-Doo gang asks to stay on as caretaker until autumn

THE Phantom PM caught and unmasked by the Scooby-Doo gang has asked if he can remain in post as caretaker until September.

The group of five teens and a dog caught the supposed spectre, who was scaring people away from a historic house at the very seat of British government in a plot to make himself rich, has admitted he is guilty but asked for a few more months.

Scooby-Doo gang leader Fred Jones said: “He’s very angry, claiming he would have got away with building a high-skill, high-wage economy if it wasn’t for us meddling kids.

“However he says he can’t abandon the position because that would be reckless, that he’s a safe pair of hands to continue as the caretaker he was posing as, and it’s all according to constitutional precedent.

“All he’ll do is carry on as normal, smuggling out the diamonds from the forgotten mine under Downing Street, and making sure everything’s nice and stable for the next incumbent.

“I’m minded to believe him. After all, apart from the gross abuses of power and the terrorising of an entire nation, he seems like a charming guy. What harm could it do?”

The Phantom PM said: “Haha, what harm could it do! What harm indeed?!” while rubbing his hands together with a malevolent sneer.