Dorries still at large

THE SIEGE of Downing Street has ended but crazed fanatic Nadine Dorries remains at large, police have warned.

After a tense stand-off in which the culture secretary refused to accept Johnson was going, she is thought to have escaped the building during the hubbub of his resignation and could by now be anywhere in the country.

DCI Martin Bishop said: “We’ve seen this before with the Manson Family. A crazed cultist like that won’t accept reality without a fight.

“She could pop up anywhere, a raving zealot whose devotion to the prime minister’s cause remains absolute, still dedicated to putting her one true messiah on Britain’s throne.

“The public are warned to be very careful. She remains extremely dangerous. If you find that your stocks of Pinot Grigio are being raided or find a half-finished novel about Irish immigrants to Liverpool on your laptop, get out immediately.”

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Boris resigns, unless he's lying

THE prime minister is to resign today, unless he is lying.

BORIS Johnson has announced he will make a speech announcing his resignation at lunchtime today, which the media have accepted as if he was an honest man.

Journalist Oliver O’Connor said: “Now Boris Johnson has told us all what we want to hear, I don’t think there’s any reason to doubt him. Not on something serious like this.

“There’s zero chance he’ll step out, stand at that podium, and announce that all elections are suspended and his son Wilfred is the new chancellor. No serious politician would do anything like that.

“No, if Johnson says he’s resigning then he’s resigning and we can report it as fact. End of. And the British people can place their trust in his words.

“Thank God it’s all over. For a while there he was making the media, the Conservatives and the whole nation look like gullible fools.”

Johnson said: “My speech is ready. I think you’ll be surprised.”