Media begin search for new far right nutter to turn into a household name

THE UK media are actively seeking a new braying, right wing idiot to feature over-prominently in news and current affairs programmes.

With Ukip and Nigel Farage looking just about spent, broadcasters agreed the time is right to promote some other ‘colourful’ jingoistic maniac, perhaps starting out as an ironic joke as a panellist on 8 Out of 10 Cats.

Within weeks, it is hoped the idiot will be making fortnightly appearances on Question Time.

Normal Steele, head of BBC News said: “We desperately want someone white, male and obnoxiously over-entitled.

“Ultimately, we need a smaller-than-life character who expresses the true spirit of England – someone who makes Farage look like Ken Loach. Please get in touch.”

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Joy of spring curtailed by remembering it pisses it down throughout

BRITAIN’S brief joy at the arrival of spring has ceased after remembering that it will rain solidly for two months of it. 

The arrival of lighter mornings and nights initially cheered the country, before the following days of torrential rain reminded everyone that spring is always like this.

Mary Fisher of Congleton said: “Oh yeah. That’s right. This is when it really gets cold.

“It’s nice that there are buds on the trees, obviously, and probably baby rabbits as well, but I haven’t really seen any of that because it’s too foul to leave the house.

“I wonder why I still think of spring as lovely flowing dresses and flowers blooming and fresh blue skies, when it’s uniformly freezing wind and heavy rain? Must have good marketing.

“Anyway, only a few months to go before summer. Ah, the long hot nights, the carefree days, baking in the July sunshine.

“Mmmm. Can’t wait.”