Paul Dacre swinging Quasimodo-like from Big Ben

DAILY Mail editor Paul Dacre has scaled the Elizabeth Tower and is currently dangling from Big Ben, in protest at its silencing due to renovation work. 

With his face painted red white and blue and his trousers tied around his head, Mr Dacre has vowed not to come down until the Queen herself promises that the bell will carry on ringing every 15 minutes.

Ears oozing blood from his proximity to the bell and shouting through a megaphone, Dacre said: “Protecting the eardrums of maintenance workers is exactly how the Third Reich started.

“First you had Himmler and Goebbels going about with clipboards at factories, saying, ooh, you shouldn’t leave that bar of soap near that giant vat of white hot liquid iron, someone might slip on it and fall in. The next thing, they invaded Poland.”

Roy Hobbs, the caretaker of the Elizabeth Tower added: “He’ll come down eventually, I suppose. Or fall hundreds of feet to his death. I don’t care either way.”

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UK celebrates record number of shit jobs

THE number of shit jobs in Britain has reached an all-time time high.

Latest figures show a record-breaking rise in the number of people doing menial, soul-destroying shit like telemarketer and call centre operator.

Glass collector Tom Booker said: “Sure, this job might be shit, but I’ve learned some valuable skills should I ever decide to retrain as a pot washer or busboy. And it beats being on the dole.

“Wait a sec, no it fucking doesn’t. This so-called job is an absolute steaming shitcake.”

Experts have warned that alongside the boom in shit jobs, there has also been a precipitous rise in bullshit jobs like social media marketer and dog stylist.

Mary Fisher, who ‘works’ as a paint namer, said: “I wanted to do something creative with my life, but all I do all day is think of synonyms for pink.

“I’d complain to my boyfriend, but he works for a start-up that makes gluten-free breadsticks for children, so he’s not really that sympathetic.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies commented: “Bullshit jobs used to be confined to acting and writing, but we’re seeing precarious busywork spread through society like a plague.

“I myself spend most of the day playing Fantasy Football before talking about research I haven’t done. It’s a load of bullshit but it pays the bills.”