Post-Brexit news to be available on Ceefax page 555

THE UK’s primary source of information after Brexit will be page 555 on Ceefax. 

Following planned shutdowns of all broadcast television channels and the internet for reasons of public safety, news of curfews, food lines and military drafts will be disseminated via text pages on your TV.

A Home Office spokesman said: “There’s too much media at the moment, and one thing everyone voted for in the referendum was to get rid of most of it.

“By providing regular updates about how wonderfully everything is going via text screens that flick over every minute we can keep Britain up-to-date on what matters without any distracting backchat.

“Who needs newsreaders, with their sneering undertones? Who needs the internet, with its uncensored stories from untrustworthy foreign sources? Not Britain. Not any more.”

The popular Bamboozle quiz, presented by Bamber Boozler, will also return with questions focusing on negative French stereotypes and the Second World War.

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Woman almost leaves Hollyoaks on

A WOMAN who almost left Hollyoaks on while in front of the television has told friends how shaken she was by the near-miss. 

Helen Archer, aged 25, was on her phone and failed to realise that The Simpsons had ended and the pre-teen soap opera had begun.

She said: “I looked up and there was this weird thing with pretty people dancing around in front of unfeasibly colourful backdrops, like a cross between a reality show and those bingo adverts they have on MTV.

“Then someone apparently called BMW McGunther marched in, dressed head to toe in street lamps and screamed, ‘That’s my baby’s father you’re robbing a bank with,’ at some form of sexy vicar.

“After that it segued into some blondes on barstools in what appeared to be an advert for Instagram, then one of them mentioned Chester and I realised it was actual Hollyoaks and lunged for the control.

“They should have some kind of warning before they screen it, not just a Domino’s sponsorship ident. What if I’d ended up following it? What if it got me?”