Report confirms Daily Mail won't be happy until, well, they'll just never be happy

THE Daily Mail will never, under any circumstances, be happy, it has been confirmed.

The report from the Institute of Studies found that even if every member of staff at the newspaper won the lottery on the same day it would still be a cold and depressing place to be.

Daily Mail journalist Julian Cook said: “I didn’t get into journalism to be in the happy business.

“I’m here to tell it how it is. And if that happens to be depressing and unsubstantiated then so be it.

“It is so very chilly in our office. The atmosphere is bleak and forbidding, like a Victorian orphanage but without the element of hope.”

He added: “This Sunday there is a free packet of seeds for every reader.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

What's a Piers Morgan? asks Ariana Grande

INTERNATIONALLY famous pop star Ariana Grande has asked her team to explain what a Piers Morgan is.

Morgan initially criticised the singer for flying home after the Manchester attack, but then was charitable enough to absolve her using the immense powers of importance conferred on him by himself.

Morgan said: “As an incredibly influential social commentator, I know that Ariana Grande would have been devastated by my indictment of her actions.

“In my initial opinion Grande should have stayed in Manchester, maybe working in the hospital shop.

“However, I have seen fit to forgive her now that she has raised millions of pounds and put on an incredibly powerful concert for those affected. I even described her as a ‘admirable young woman’.”

Grande subsequently asked an assistant what a Piers Morgan was and what it did.

When it was explained to Grande that a Piers Morgan was a gimlet-eyed bellend, she said: “What’s a bellend?”

After someone showed her a picture of Morgan on her phone, she replied: “Okay, I get it now.”