Richard Madeley vs Piers Morgan: Who will win the battle of the TV wankers?

FOR years, Piers Morgan was the undisputed biggest wanker on television. However, on Good Morning Britain, there’s a new kid in town: Richard Madeley.

With Madeley proving he’s as skilled a tosser as Morgan on a daily basis, who will win this battle of the small, vindictive, reactionary minds? Let’s take a look at the two contenders.


This week’s interview with Mick Lynch was an impressive display of onanism as he tried and failed to outwit Lynch, who stuck to the issues, before petulantly telling the bewildered union leader to ‘jog on’ like a 13-year-old dickhead.

Or there was the cringeworthy, wittering tirade about the definition of Christmas, also with Lynch, claiming the festival started in early December and more circular monologue than interview.

Madeley fans loved his self-glorifying, Partridge-esque broadcast from Whiston Hospital in which he tucked his tie in and rolled up his sleeves like a doctor, when he was just getting in the f**king way. And of course his rant at a Just Stop Oil protester that drew comparisons with Don’t Look Up.

Yes, Madeley is a heavyweight TV wanker – and that’s before you even remember the accusations of shoplifting in Tesco. But Morgan isn’t a man to easily be outwanked.


His stalkerish obsession with Meghan Markle continues unabated, with him resorting to posting risque photos of his own wife as some kind of weird riposte to accusations that his issue with Markle is that she once ‘ghosted’ him.

Further back he unpleasantly said he ‘did not believe a word’ of Markle claiming to have felt suicidal after being hounded by the media, somewhat overestimating his own importance with the words ‘Freedom of speech is a hill I am happy to die on’.

Then there are his hackneyed rants, solid gold spunk, about the dangers of cancel culture by a man who went past his cancellation date years ago. Indeed, if he were to stand up and perform an actual wank, his dwindling audience would welcome the variety. 

So who will emerge triumphant? It’s impossible to say – Madeley is a serious contender, but Morgan won’t give up the title of King of the TV Wankers without a fight. And when you come at the King, you best not miss.

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Juggling knives and other things it's best not to do today

TODAY sees nurses hold the biggest strike in NHS history, meaning you should probably play it safe and avoid these activities.

Juggling knives

Tossing knives into the air and catching them might look impressive, but it’s best done when there’s free medical assistance available and an abundance of ambulances ready to whisk your armless torso off to hospital. In fact all circus skills, including fire breathing and unicycling, should be off limits today. Not least because they’re inherently annoying.

Slipping on ice

Admittedly there’s never a good day to be caught off guard by a patch of black ice as you trudge to the Co-op for Rizla papers. But if you’re going to go arse over tit and crack your head open, you might as well wait until trained professionals are there to put you back together. It’s just common sense.

Risky anal stuff

What you get up to in the privacy of your own depraved sex life is your business. Nobody’s judging you, much. If you’re thinking of shoving a ketchup bottle up your arse in a moment of aroused boredom, make sure you’re able to remove it easily. Never mind your physical wellbeing, how are you going to add some flavour to your oven chips if the Heinz is stuck up your rectum?

Getting frostbite

The nation is currently facing an impossible dilemma. Should they switch the heating on and watch their last few remaining pennies go up the chimney? Or should they try to endure the cold snap and risk their fingers dropping off in the process? While the nurses are on strike you’re better off bankrupting yourself, unless you’re a rich f**ker who’ll get luxury frostbite treatment on Bupa.

Falling off a ladder

Ladders are precarious death traps even when every surface isn’t covered in a thin layer of slippery frost. And with nurses walking out today, they’re a more dangerous inciting incident in an episode of Casualty than usual. Even if you’re a Buster Keaton-style stuntman, just take the day off. It’s not worth fractures, concussion and feeling chilly to boot.