Family gives in and puts heating on and it's still too bloody cold

A FAMILY who gave in and put the central heating on are horrified to find their house remains too cold for habitation.

Father-of-two Tom Booker last night decided to throw caution to the wind, turn the smart meter to face the wall and crank the heating up to a decadent 19.5ºC, only to find it was still f**king freezing.

He said: “What? Why is it still cold? But the heating!

“Yes, I’ve caved in. Yes, I am weak and decadent and all those other things Vladimir Putin says about the West. Yes, I’m ashamed. But how am I all those things and still not warm?

“The radiators are on. It’s okay when you stand right next to them. But even a few paces away my feet are freezing, and the bigger rooms never heat up at all.

“Is it my fault? Am I being punished for breaking down? Have things got so bad under the Tories that even the laws of thermodynamics no longer apply?”

Wife Sam Booker said: “Maybe we should try putting it up to a balmy 21ºC. And if that doesn’t work, we’ll just accept that we’re dead.”

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How to deal with the paranoia after getting shitfaced at a Christmas work do

DID you get way too pissed at your Christmas work party and now have to face being in the office again? Here’s how to cope.

Don’t try to sober up

If you were so horribly slaughtered you’re still drunk when you wake up, run with it. Have a shower to try and hide the stink of booze leaching from every pore, but don’t fight being pissed. If you sober up, you’ll start wondering why Annette on reception is giving you odd looks.

Avoid the staff kitchen

You normally enjoy pretending it takes 25 minutes to make a cup of tea while you yap in the kitchen, but avoid it like the plague today. A co-worker might gleefully relate how you puked up on Trudy from marketing’s sofa then stumbled off into the night to go to Spearmint Rhino. It’s best not to know.

Spend a lot of time in the toilet

If you can get through this crippling hangover without seeing many people, you’ll feel much better tomorrow and be able to laugh off any embarrassing misadventures. Hiding in the toilets not only shelters you from the jeers of colleagues, but means you can lie down on the nice, cool floor when another wave of nausea overtakes you.

Pretend you’re working very hard

Avoid Steve from accounts rocking up to your desk and calling you a ‘total leg’ for downing a pint of lager and belching the Eastenders theme to the MD by pretending you’re incredibly busy today. If possible, put headphones on and join some Zoom strategy meetings you don’t really need to be in. Even that f’**king tedium is better than being reminded of your terrible behaviour.

Call in sick

Got a vague memory of telling your boss you’d ask them out if they were 25 years younger? Better call in sick. Yes, it’s highly suspicious but they will be equally pleased not to see you, because they also remember you crying about your ex for 40 minutes, which you’ve conveniently blanked out.