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Seven great freezing weather sex tips

DETERMINED not to let sub-zero temperatures stop you having a shag? Here’s how to lead a full and active sex life without your bits snapping off.

Abandon all self-respect and do it in a slanket

There’s room for two and it will keep you warm. The only downside is that wearing a slanket is more demeaning than wanking off random strangers for small change. If you don’t mind looking like a sad bastard in an XXXL Jedi robe, go for it.

Be prepared for ‘shrinkage’

A cold environment will cause what doctors refer to as ‘winkie shrinkage’. This is temporary and you don’t need penis enlargement surgery like twats who think women are only attracted to men with massive elephant dongs. For their part, women should be understanding, and not laugh contemptuously at their partner’s penis any more than usual.

Wear a hat

Fifty per cent of your body heat is lost through your head, or 10 per cent if you don’t believe bullshit factoids. It’s still worth wearing a hat for sex, ideally a nice warm woolly one. It helps if you’re really gagging for it, as you’re about to pork, or be porked by, Benny from Crossroads.

Breasts are not hand warmers

Despite the pawing men like to give them, breasts are actually quite sensitive, so don’t just grab them with icy hands. It’s also more erotic if you don’t say things like: ‘You’ve got lovely toasty funbags! It’s like stroking a warm dog!’

Don’t add so many blankets you can’t move

It’s tempting to keep piling blankets onto your bed until you’re unable to move under the sheer weight of linen, duvets and eiderdowns. Not ideal sexually, unless you’ve got some weird kink where you get off on being completely immobilised and unable to come, in which case you’d be better off at a Max Mosley-style BDSM club.

Cancel your plans for outdoor sex

Outdoor sex right now won’t be exciting, it’ll be bloody unpleasant. And any polar explorer will tell you it’s possible for your penis to become so numb with cold it can snap off without you noticing, forcing you to go back and look for it a field. Women’s genitals are snugly tucked away, but it’s not worth the risk. It’s bad enough having thrush, never mind frostbite.

Spanking is cheaper than putting the central heating on 

Spanking makes your skin glow, so you’ll have a warm arse if nothing else. There’s just one hidden danger of spanking that no one talks about – it’s incredibly boring. Make sure you and your partner have a good book to read while you perform this thrillingly taboo act of erotic ecstasy.

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Disney songs that are straight up talking out of their arse

BEARS might be able to get by with the bare necessities, but the rest of us need money to pay for crap like bus fares and council tax. Here are the Disney songs that fail to address the grinding misery of life.

Part of Your World – The Little Mermaid (1989)

‘I wanna be where the people are,’ warbles mermaid Ariel. Unfortunately she doesn’t know humans very well. If she did, she’d realise that people are generally noisy, inconsiderate arseholes. The kind who race round your estate at midnight with the music at full volume in the mistaken belief that everyone wants to be lulled to sleep with some Belgian hardcore.

When You Wish Upon a Star – Pinocchio (1940)

Anything you want can be yours if you just wish for it, according to Pinocchio. In the real world, meanwhile, you can wish for two weeks in the Caribbean as much as you like, but if you want it to happen, you have to pay for it by going to work with twats. Wake up and smell the coffee, wooden boy.

Hakuna Matata – The Lion King (1994)

‘No worries for the rest of your days’ only really applies to anyone born before 1960 who has a rock-solid pension scheme backed by a triple lock guarantee. The rest of us saps face working our fingers to the bone until death finally puts us out of our misery.

A Spoonful of Sugar – Mary Poppins (1964)

Julie Andrews implores the Banks children to find the fun in chores, which will magically make them enjoyable. Disney tried the same tactic with the song Whistle While You Work in Snow White. We’ve tried and there’s just no way to make cleaning a blocked drain fun, even if you pretend the turds are having a race to the sewage treatment plant and you’re Murray Walker commentating on the start of the race.

A Whole New World – Aladdin (1992)

According to Aladdin, the world is ‘shining, shimmering, splendid’. It maybe was when Aladdin was set, but parts of it are now uninhabitable toxic wastelands, we’ve successfully eradicated countless species and everyone living at sea level has a few sandbags stashed away, ready for when the Antarctic ice sheet goes tits up.

The Bare Necessities – The Jungle Book (1967)

Good old Baloo, with his rather naïve take on how to cope with life by forgetting about your worries and your strife. Unfortunately that kind of attitude lands you in court for forgetting to pay your speeding tickets, and in police cells for forgetting to turn up for your court case.

You’ve Got a Friend in Me – Toy Story (1995)

And seeing as we’re friends, I’m constantly going to borrow money from you and get you to help hump furniture about every time I move house. And when my wife kicks me out, I’ll be knocking on your door at 1am asking to stay in your spare room. It’ll just be for a couple of nights, I’ll promise, but I’ll still be there six weeks later like a particularly tenacious barnacle.

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