'Take as long as you need, we won't miss you': candid Royal admissions Britain's media will never, ever make

THE British media’s reaction to the King’s diagnosis is an orgy of fawning about Royal importance. While these widely-held views are never aired: 

Calling them ‘The Firm’ is sinister

Attempting to imbue largely shiftless artistocrats with playful East End gangster menace is ludicrous. Unless Wills and Kate go full Richardson Gang and start pulling people’s teeth out with pliers, in which case fair enough.

Take as long as you need off work, it’s fine

We’re promised Charles will be returning to work when he recovers, and that Camilla and Wills will cover for him. In what vital job? Producing expensive biscuits? Standing there during ceremonial occasions? Visiting a food bank while looking vaguely concerned? Would we notice if these positions weren’t filled?

Even Kate isn’t that popular

Britons are supposedly enraptured with the Princess of Wales, but they’re not. Dua Lipa pulls more of a crowd. If we’re brutally honest, Kate’s only the most popular because she doesn’t resemble a horse.

Charles is not funny

Nor should he be. But media sycophants are desperate to persuade us he has a ‘wicked’ sense of humour, for example saying he had ‘sausage fingers’ during Coronation rehearsals. Is that hilarious? We don’t require other venerated Britons to be funny. Sir Isaac Newton’s achievements were not marred by his inability to write one-liners.

The Royal soap opera is an invention

Most of the interest in the Royal Family centres on rifts. And these happen, but the bulk of it is vague, speculative fluff pontificated on by twats calling themselves ‘professional body language readers’. The conflicts are never interesting, like ‘PRINCE WILLIAM: MY BISEXUAL THREESOME MIKE TINDALL SHAME.’

No-one gives a shit about Beatrice and Eugenie

It’s been suggested they could fill in while Charles and other Royals are incapacitated. Go for it, no one cares. We’ve long accepted that until we abolish the monarchy, these trust fund fraggles will hang around aimlessly like next door’s yappy dogs – irritating, but you wouldn’t decapitate them.

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Dogs dressed up like f**king clowns