Monday, 8th March 2021

The confused person's guide to the 'war on woke'

ARE you confused about the ‘war on woke’ and your role in it? Here are all your questions answered about this definitely genuine issue: 

Is it a real war?

Of course not. Do you think self-serving arseholes like Priti Patel and geeky libertarian Telegraph columnists would ever risk their own skins?

So what is it, then?

Mostly random plans like legislation to protect statues and calling a meeting of heritage groups like the National Trust to encourage them to portray British history positively. Which is going to be a challenge with slavery. Maybe it could be rebranded ‘non-voluntary overseas career development opportunities’.

But I already know British history isn’t all good or all bad

You’re missing the point. Politicians have discovered it’s easier to get votes by convincing your grandparents that Black Lives Matter is going to ban Spitfires than thinking of actual policies.

What if I get ‘cancelled’? I don’t like the sound of that

It’s not really a risk for most people, unless you’re a weirdo who’s written a book with a title like I Don’t Want to be a Transsexual, Daddy: How Woke is Turning Our Children Into Marxist Poofs.

Okay, which side of the war should I be on?

If you love wasting your time obsessing over vague threats to the legacy of historical figures you hadn’t heard of until now, definitely the anti-woke side. There isn’t really another side as such, just a lot of people wearily going, ‘What’s that little bastard Gove up to now?’

Where can I find out more?

Rest assured the Mail, Express, Times et al will be providing non-stop blanket coverage until you go into a coma from boredom. For a ‘war on woke’ perspective on history, try reading Commando comics.