The confused person's guide to the 'war on woke'

ARE you confused about the ‘war on woke’ and your role in it? Here are all your questions answered about this definitely genuine issue: 

Is it a real war?

Of course not. Do you think self-serving arseholes like Priti Patel and geeky libertarian Telegraph columnists would ever risk their own skins?

So what is it, then?

Mostly random plans like legislation to protect statues and calling a meeting of heritage groups like the National Trust to encourage them to portray British history positively. Which is going to be a challenge with slavery. Maybe it could be rebranded ‘non-voluntary overseas career development opportunities’.

But I already know British history isn’t all good or all bad

You’re missing the point. Politicians have discovered it’s easier to get votes by convincing your grandparents that Black Lives Matter is going to ban Spitfires than thinking of actual policies.

What if I get ‘cancelled’? I don’t like the sound of that

It’s not really a risk for most people, unless you’re a weirdo who’s written a book with a title like I Don’t Want to be a Transsexual, Daddy: How Woke is Turning Our Children Into Marxist Poofs.

Okay, which side of the war should I be on?

If you love wasting your time obsessing over vague threats to the legacy of historical figures you hadn’t heard of until now, definitely the anti-woke side. There isn’t really another side as such, just a lot of people wearily going, ‘What’s that little bastard Gove up to now?’

Where can I find out more?

Rest assured the Mail, Express, Times et al will be providing non-stop blanket coverage until you go into a coma from boredom. For a ‘war on woke’ perspective on history, try reading Commando comics.

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Five classic signs of alcohol overconfidence

ONE of the many negative effects of alcohol is way too much confidence. Here are some signs that you may have overdone it:

You believe you are ‘in with a chance’

Is that extremely hot person going to break the habit of a lifetime on this occasion and sleep with someone much less attractive, ie. you? Alcohol believes the answer is ‘yes’. Also any slim chance you might have had is negated by you swaying and slurring your words.

A massive, pointless walk is a good idea

You are utterly convinced that going on to a late-night bar is a f**king brilliant idea, and thus well worth a fruitless five-mile hike to find one that’s open. For total futility, walk several miles for a kebab then drop it on the pavement.

You can drink lots more

After your fifth pint of lager, you have the revelation that notorious drinkers like Richard Harris, Charles Bukowski and Richard Burton were in fact lightweights and you are a far more seasoned boozer. This is incorrect, as being three hours late for work the next day proves.

You are not going to take any shit

You decide you are going to decisively confront whatever issue is currently troubling you, be it having words with an obnoxious boss or making some radical life changes. When you wake up, you are back to your normal cowardly self, and have humiliatingly told everyone you’re going to ‘jack it all in’ and go to Australia.

You are somewhere very high up 

Piece of piss to climb that 450 kilovolt electricity pylon, right? All you needed was a confidence boost from your old friend alcohol. Now you just have to get down while shaking with terror. Hopefully there are concerned friends below to call 999, but you’ll still get a bollocking from the fire service.