Monday, 8th March 2021

Grinding your own coffee beans and other signs you are turning into the worst kind of ponce

DO you have a sneaking suspicion you’ve taken up the kind of activity that only annoying wankers do? Here are some that you definitely should be avoiding.

Grinding your own coffee beans

You might defend this by saying it makes fresher coffee, but if you follow this to its logical conclusion it won’t be long before you’re roasting some tiny, shrivelled beans that you’ve attempted to grow on your windowsill in Walthamstow. Stick to Kenco.

Making your own kefir

Not long ago you had no idea what kefir was but now you’ve become such a zealot for drinking gone-off milk that you’re trying to make it yourself. You’ll only have yourself to blame when you end up with food poisoning after drinking the malevolent sludge you’ve carefully grown in a jar.

Buying a Himalayan salt lamp

These items fail as both a lamp and a source of salt and instead just gather dust whilst making anyone who sees it in your house immediately mark you down as a bit of a twat. And don’t even attempt to explain about ‘air ionisation’ as it just makes things worse.

Purchasing ‘athleisure wear’

Fancy spending a large chunk of hard-earned cash on clothing that makes other people think you do exercise? It’s perfect for posing in when buying kombucha at your local aspirational health food store. However you can’t wear it to do actual exercise as you’ll spend the whole time fretting about sweating on it and wearing it out.

Burning luxury scented candles

Scented candles always smell disgusting and bring on a migraine so if you’re shelling out £50 a pop you need to have a very serious word with yourself. A tea light and a generous squirt of air freshener can do exactly the same job for a tenth of the price.