Grinding your own coffee beans and other signs you are turning into the worst kind of ponce

DO you have a sneaking suspicion you’ve taken up the kind of activity that only annoying wankers do? Here are some that you definitely should be avoiding.

Grinding your own coffee beans

You might defend this by saying it makes fresher coffee, but if you follow this to its logical conclusion it won’t be long before you’re roasting some tiny, shrivelled beans that you’ve attempted to grow on your windowsill in Walthamstow. Stick to Kenco.

Making your own kefir

Not long ago you had no idea what kefir was but now you’ve become such a zealot for drinking gone-off milk that you’re trying to make it yourself. You’ll only have yourself to blame when you end up with food poisoning after drinking the malevolent sludge you’ve carefully grown in a jar.

Buying a Himalayan salt lamp

These items fail as both a lamp and a source of salt and instead just gather dust whilst making anyone who sees it in your house immediately mark you down as a bit of a twat. And don’t even attempt to explain about ‘air ionisation’ as it just makes things worse.

Purchasing ‘athleisure wear’

Fancy spending a large chunk of hard-earned cash on clothing that makes other people think you do exercise? It’s perfect for posing in when buying kombucha at your local aspirational health food store. However you can’t wear it to do actual exercise as you’ll spend the whole time fretting about sweating on it and wearing it out.

Burning luxury scented candles

Scented candles always smell disgusting and bring on a migraine so if you’re shelling out £50 a pop you need to have a very serious word with yourself. A tea light and a generous squirt of air freshener can do exactly the same job for a tenth of the price.

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Five types of twat who are never off the telly

THERE are some types of twat who appear on every panel game, discussion programme or reality show going. Here are five offenders you’ll definitely recognise.

Quiz show twats

The quiz show twat turns up on every game show that requires them to answer nerdy questions, from Pointless to Eggheads. Rather than just taking part in a televised game for fun, the quiz show twat is an obsessive who won’t rest until they are reigning champion of Countdown for the fourth time.

Medical expert twats

The pandemic has been a boom time for this type of twat. We’re not talking genuine medical experts such as Chris Whitty, but rather the type of ‘celebrity doctor’ who gave up medicine after three months and now appears on This Morning urging viewers not to lick bus windows or snog their nan.

Rent-a-gob political twats

These twats appear on every ‘serious’ topical programme going, but Newsnight is a particular favourite for gobby politicians and commentators who want to patronise ordinary people or share their lunatic opinions. However, they all give Good Morning Britain a miss as Piers Morgan is far too challenging.

Royal expert twats

These twats are usually posh people who once saw Prince William from a long distance at a garden party and now think they have a unique insight into his mind and marriage. Though they talk about Wills and Kate as if they’re close personal friends, they’d be shot by a sniper if they got within 20 feet of them.

Manufactured outrage twats

Worried that your issues-based panel show will be a bit dull? Invite some divisive idiot on to share their horrible opinions and create unnecessary controversy, for example, Nigel Farage talking about transphobia. It will be so vile to watch that the edited clips will go viral. Result.