DO YOU struggle to understand Daily Telegraph reportage which appears to come from a mirror-universe? News editor Norman Steele explains the editorial line.
Albion always wins
In any dealings with alien countries, our policy is that they deserve and get a bloody good hiding. Even Dominic Raab’s arrest for soliciting acts of prostitution in Bruges would be portrayed as an up-yours to Brussels and a triumph of hard-hitting English diplomacy.
In-depth coverage of reactionary non-issues
If you’ve heard of campus no-platforming, Twitter spats between obscure LGBT activists and unisex toilets, it’s because they get our readers frothing and begging for more. That’s why we cover them so obsessively, as does the Guardian.
The EU is permanently on the brink of collapse
Like the marriage of an adulterer, the EU is totally over and just needs to admit it. There’s as much evidence for this as there is for spontaneous combustion, but it draws in xenophobes who spend all day on our comments section, driving site traffic and indirectly helping to pay for my daughter Portia’s private school.
Arcane posh person things are news
If you’re utterly baffled by an article about a girl who appears to do nothing but ride a horse and wear vintage dresses, she will be an aristocrat. We believe these people to be fundamentally interesting, mush as you do ‘pop groups’ and ‘screen idols’.
Employ barkingly insane columnists
Our columnists can argue, completely sincerely, that Britain is a dictatorship run by the BBC, Muslims or even Venezuela. If the genuinely bonkers ones are busy, we just contact a mercenary freelancer who’ll churn out hate because they need a new Aga.