A SCHOOLBOY has told the unspeakable truth about his sh*tty British summer holiday in a back-to-school essay.
Nine-year-old Tom Logan wrote the essay while his teacher struggled to remember how her job worked, but instead of the expected platitudes turned out a terrifying epic of extreme weather, traumatic boredom and gritty street-level realism.
He said: “At first, all we did was bingewatch Paw Patrol while mum and her new fancy man messed around going to the shops and ordering us to clean up after the dog.
“But then we did two weeks in a caravan in Filey in relentless rain, hanging around damp arcades, standing in shelters watching the rain cascade down, throwing stones at the grey, grey sea.
“Then it was a week at granny’s, then a week at Dad’s in Northampton which is the most boring place in Britain, then we basically hung around on the street telling Yodel drivers to piss off.
“The scene where I push my sister into the road as seagulls dive-bomb her for chips while a coach of senile pensioners brakes hard is like a Ken Loach movie. I’m very proud of it.”
Teacher Carolyn Ryan said: “I’ve contacted social services but there’s nothing they can do. It’s just Britain.”