Friday, 3rd July 2020

The Guardian's guide to why you shouldn't enjoy that

OH dear, it looks like you’re enjoying something which the Guardian says you shouldn’t. Here staff writer Nathan Muir explains how to feel guilty about everything.

You’re probably privileged

If you’re reading the Guardian looking for something to feel guilty about you’ve got too much time on your hands, so feel guilty about that. You probably need to check your privilege anyway. You might not feel privileged, but you are compared to someone, eg. an Eritrean farmer.

Whatever you’re enjoying has got a carbon footprint

If it exists it’s got a carbon footprint, and that means it’s worse than a person who once enjoyed a Woody Allen film. Don’t mind us though, we’re just a newspaper you’re either reading on sheets of dead tree or a smartphone manufactured in a sweatshop. Feel guilty, but definitely keep reading.

Someone, somewhere, could take offence

Even if you and your friends enjoyed a thing, there’s undoubtedly some weirdo somewhere who misinterpreted it and thinks it’s disgusting. You didn’t consider their feelings though did you? You’re practically a Nazi.

There’s another angle you haven’t even considered yet

Fortunately I, a smug Guardian writer, have discovered the uncomfortable truth that casts the topic in question in a whole new light. One you should feel guilty about. I won’t tell you what it is in the headline though because I like sounding smart and desperately need you to click through.

Find out more at our Masterclasses

We can’t even begin to cover why you shouldn’t enjoy that thing in a single article. Luckily our How To Feel Guilty course will teach you everything you need to know about self-flagellation. Tickets for the two-hour workshop are now available for just £350 per person. Do we feel guilty about that? Certainly not.