Scrupulous married couple imposing own sex ban

A MARRIED couple have been carefully avoiding sexual intercourse for months despite not being told to do so.

Stephen and Emma Malley have heartily endorsed the ban and are pleased to have been way ahead of the curve when it comes to not having sex.

Emma Malley said: “We’re about eight months into our sex ban, which we weirdly had the foresight to start before coronavirus even happened. No one has actually said people in the same household can’t have sex, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.

“Obviously it’s been a real strain for us. We’d definitely want to have sex three times a day every day if it wasn’t for this damned ban.

“But you can’t be too careful with these things, so we’ve reluctantly decided to flop on the sofa and watch TV every evening instead of making the crazy, passionate love that comes naturally to us.”

Stephen Malley said: “It’s basically like being furloughed from sex, and it’s genuinely as much of a relief as not having to go to work.”

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Woman manages three whole pages of her lockdown book

A WOMAN managed to make it through three pages of the book she planned to read during lockdown before calling it a day. 

Emma Bradford bought The Mirror and the Light by Hilary Mantel because everyone was talking about it, but when it arrived was dismayed to discover it was both massive and about the olden days.

Bradford said: “I thought lockdown would be the perfect time to get into reading, but attempting this one just reminded me that books are heavy and hard work compared to watching Killing Eve on my phone.

“When I actually tried to read it I realised it was about kings and queens from ancient times, which is just the sort of boring shit I didn’t bother listening to at school, so I gave up after three pages.

“But I still left a good review on Amazon for it. It said ‘Makes a useful doorstop so the dog can go out without me having to get up from watching Loose Women‘.”