Man realises he's been invited to vegetarian barbecue

A MAN realised to his horror that he had been invited to a barbecue for vegetarians.

Tom Booker thought there must be some mistake after he was handed a meat-free burger, only to realise that everything else on the menu was made out of tofu, Quorn or salad.

Booker said: “When I asked the host for a beef burger everyone turned on me with these fixed grins. It was like something out of The Twilight Zone.

“They all said in unison that they didn’t serve that sort of food here, and if I wanted a meat alternative I should’ve brought my own. It was weird, like they’d been waiting their whole lives to say that to a carnivore like myself.

“Then they force-fed me admittedly tasty Linda McCartney sausages until I left. Still, I got a few beers out of it.

“I can’t see the point of vegetarian barbecues anyway. Isn’t cooking a massive quantity of meat just a macho hunting substitute for unfit men who work in offices?”

Fellow guest Martin Bishop said: “Just like Tom I was disgusted by the vegetarian food on offer. But only because I’m one of those pompous vegans who thinks anyone who drinks milk is evil.”


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Bankers who stole everything told now might be good time to give it back

THE bankers who were given a shedload of money in 2008 have been told that now might be a good time to give it back.

With the economy in crisis, many Britons feel that banks who received massive bailouts might like to chip in now with some of their hundreds of billions of pounds.

Investment banker Martin Bishop said: “No.

“It’s our money now. Our understanding was that the cash was stop the banking system collapsing. And to have some spends for dodgy financial products that caused the problem in the first place.

“Money won’t help against coronavirus. What’s the point in giving the nation millions when people can easily make a mask out of some string and an old sock?”

Fellow banker Eleanor Shaw said: “Banks are the most important part of the economy, even if we have a habit of lending each other too much money and trashing said economy.

“I’ve seen what people do in lockdown. How do we know Britain wouldn’t spend the £500 billion on barbecues and cans of lager?”