Masks to be compulsory for the poor, government announces

THE government has ordered anyone who uses public transport, shops at Asda or whose home is in council tax bands A-C to wear facemasks. 

The ruling, which comes in on June 15th because God forbid this government should order vital public health measures to begin immediately, will stop the lower orders spreading their filthy germs like vermin. 

Health secretary Matt Hancock said: “We are none of us safe from this virus. I got it, and I went to both Oxford and Cambridge. 

“But by muzzling the scum we drastically cut the risk of their warrens becoming a breeding ground for this sickness, eventually infecting people who matter. 

“It also really dehumanises them and makes all the other stuff we’re going to do – massive austerity, involuntary euthanasia, warehouse-sized workhouses – much easier for the squeamish. 

“If you take the bus, watch ITV, shop from catalogues, drive a non-German car, or have ever eaten a Pot Noodle, then masks are mandatory.” 

Hancock added: “Also don’t attempt to speak. We don’t want to hear it.” 

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How to struggle through a socially distanced date when you can't just shag

DO you normally stop the awkwardness of a first date by getting drunk and having sex? Here’s how to cope now that’s not allowed.

Attempt to find something in common

Most relationships are based on wanting sex then being too emotionally needy to split up, so it’s rare to have something in common. Try really hard to find something and you might actually enjoy your relationship, even if it’s just a shared love of crisps.

Go for an annoying walk

A romantic walk in the park sounds delightful. Until you realise you have to walk two metres apart and can’t hear each other. However, if you’re mainly shouting “Sorry, WHAT?” at each other, this will disguise the fact that you’re a really boring conversationalist.

Judge them by their choice in coffee

You can’t go back to their house and judge them on their interior decorating or collection of Top Gear annuals, so judge them on their choice of takeaway hot beverage. Does a black Americano mean they’re cool and minimalist, or just dull? You’ll basically have to guess.

Meet for a picnic

Another easy way to suss them out is by what they bring to a socially distanced picnic. If they turn up with strawberries and Prosecco you’ll know they’re extravagant and generous. If it’s a Sainsbury’s egg mayo sandwich and a can of Monster, you’ll know to never see them again.

Just get pissed and shag

If we’re all going to get caught in a second wave of coronavirus and locked down again, you might as well go for it. The fact that it’s technically illegal will make it extra exciting, although if you get hit with a £250 fine for a mediocre shag it definitely wasn’t worth it.