Friday, 7th May 2021

Masks to be compulsory for the poor, government announces

THE government has ordered anyone who uses public transport, shops at Asda or whose home is in council tax bands A-C to wear facemasks. 

The ruling, which comes in on June 15th because God forbid this government should order vital public health measures to begin immediately, will stop the lower orders spreading their filthy germs like vermin. 

Health secretary Matt Hancock said: “We are none of us safe from this virus. I got it, and I went to both Oxford and Cambridge. 

“But by muzzling the scum we drastically cut the risk of their warrens becoming a breeding ground for this sickness, eventually infecting people who matter. 

“It also really dehumanises them and makes all the other stuff we’re going to do – massive austerity, involuntary euthanasia, warehouse-sized workhouses – much easier for the squeamish. 

“If you take the bus, watch ITV, shop from catalogues, drive a non-German car, or have ever eaten a Pot Noodle, then masks are mandatory.” 

Hancock added: “Also don’t attempt to speak. We don’t want to hear it.”