Tuesday, 26th January 2021

Rees-Mogg to insist MPs distance by five-sevenths of an imperial fathom

JACOB Rees-Mogg is insisting that social distancing in the Commons is carried out with long-forgotten imperial measurements. 

From now on, the Serjeant-at-arms will use a 19th century measuring system last used at the time of the Corn Laws, and any MP failing to comply will be removed by men in stockings.

Leader of the House Rees-Mogg said: “I considered the rod, perch or pole measurement from the 15th century but even my own children had no idea what I was talking about.

“In the case of lady MPs, distances will be measured from the outer hem of their skirts. Should any of them attempt to cheat the system by wearing trousers, they will be barred.”

Labour MP Tom Logan said: “It’s bad enough queuing for two hours but now I’ve got to stand here being measured by a guy who looks as if he’s out of Blackadder.”

Rees-Mogg added: “This is just the start. I also plan to bring back obsolete measurements such as the furlong and barleycorn, and of course our beloved pre-decimal currency.

“This will make shopping a nightmare for everyone except weirdos like me, but it’s patriotic.”