Which of your disgusting habits are your flatmates texting their friends about?

HAVE you got weird, disgusting habits and share a flat? Simply add one point for each of these activities and find out if other people are slagging you off to their mates. 

Biting your toenails

If you do this, you deserve to be slagged off, really. But having said that it’s impressive you’re so flexible you can get your toe into your mouth. Let just hope you’re ‘flexible’ enough to find new accommodation during lockdown.

Always making smelly food

For example: buying lots of smelly fish, making pungent egg and salad cream sandwiches or doing weird things with offal. These offences mean you can’t really complain if there’s a photo of you on your flatmates’ group chat with the caption ‘Why won’t they move out?’. 

Typing with the text tone on

If you let your phone make clicking noises while you’re texting, or emit constant dings whenever you get a notification, your flatmates are almost certainly moaning to their mates about you. Unless they also have a pathetic need to advertise the fact that they have friends. 

Going to the bathroom with the door open 

Admittedly if you’re inflicting this on a flatmate, it’s probably your partner you share a flat with rather than semi-strangers. Let’s hope so anyway. And if this is the case, your partner is right to be slagging you off to their mates, and perhaps one day in a divorce hearing. 


1-2 of these: You’re on thin ice. They probably are slagging you off, but there may not be too many expletives. 

3-4 of these: Your flatmates may well be calling the local environmental health department, or possibly 999.

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Sourdough starter lets woman down like every other living thing on planet

A WOMAN’S sourdough starter has let her down just like every other human, animal and plant always bloody does. 

Joanna Kramer’s attempt to force yeast and lactobacilli to thrive together in a harmonious symbiotic relationship has failed just as quickly and painfully as all her other relationships do. 

She said: “I got dumped 12 hours before lockdown began, in what was clearly a precautionary measure. 

“My cat left eight weeks ago – I still see him, but he belongs to another family now – and my golden cane palm stopped clinging on at the beginning of May. 

“I figured this was an opportunity for me and the living world to begin again. To go back to basics. So I thought I’d start with microbiotic organisms and rebuild our relationship from the ground up. 

“Instead this f**king starter hates me just as much as everything else does. The bacteria would rather sit there dying than spend another minute in my company.

“At this point I’m ready to go out there and get COVID-19 just in the hope it’ll bond with my proteins. But it’ll probably despise me as well.”