'Will I ever have sex?': The fantasy role-playing nerd's guide to lockdown ending

LOCKDOWN is easing, but what does it mean for the fantasy role-playing game community? Here’s what to expect if you’re obsessed with D&D or Warhammer.

Can I play Dungeons & Dragons with my friends?

Yes, provided you observe social distancing. When fighting goblins with a doubled-handed Dwarven broadsword, make sure you are two metres apart. From your fellow players, not the goblins. They’re not real. 

Can I have sex? 

In theory ‘Yes’, but in reality ‘No, because you are into fantasy gaming’. There are no specific government plans to help nerds lose their virginity, so either Skype a female relative for tips on how to talk to women, or just stick with the surprising amount of elf porn on the internet.

Should I stockpile Warhammer figures? 

It’s a question we’ve all asked ourselves. Buying too many Space Marines and Tyranids could lead to a shortage for other players, but you need enough miniatures or your battles with supernatural aliens won’t be realistic. 

If I meet a female tabletop gaming enthusiast, how do we start dating?

Probably best not to dwell on this too long, but anyway. Although lockdown is easing rules are still in place. Try going to a socially distanced pub and having an alcoholic drink instead of Diet Coke so you look a bit more normal.

When does the Games Workshop reopen?

Shamefully, the government has not prioritised the reopening of shops selling Warhammer miniatures and rule books. The scandal is being investigated by top investigative journalists from White Dwarf magazine.

Should I move out of my mum’s house?

That’s not really anything to do with lockdown. Have a go at doing your own washing first.

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Danny Dyer going over there to sort this shit out

THESPIAN Danny Dyer has confirmed he is going to the United States to have a word. 

The Human Traffic star will board a plane to Washington DC today with the intention of getting everyone in a room and sorting these muppets out.

Straight-talking Dyer said: “If you’re boshing people for exercising their right to protest then give ya nut a wobble, you melt. 

“And if you’re smashing up family-owned businesses then you need to have a word with yourself. 

“I’m not worried there’s a massive ruck going on because I’ve spent a lot of time with proper hard geezers. Also I do a lot of personal appearances at nightclubs in Essex.”

Dyer believes he has “the minerals” to solve the biggest social crisis in America’s recent history, citing his role as the conciliatory hooligan Tommy Johnson in The Football Factory as proof he can bring people together.

He added: “Granted, there’s more slags on one side than the other. But it’s still my job to bang their heads together and say ‘leave it aaaht’. See you in a few days when it’s all sorted.”