Wetherspoons' Curry Club and the other brands that should advertise on GB News

BUSINESSES including IKEA and Kopparberg have stopped advertising with GB News because they’re Swedish cowards. Which brands should leap in? 

Wetherspoons’ Curry Club

GB News and Wetherspoons go hand-in-hand like love and marriage between one man and one woman, no exceptions. In fact GB News looks like it’s filmed in a particularly gloomy Wetherspoons and employed the daytime club to operate the camera. Full-blown sponsorship must be next.


Billionaire James Dyson moved his company’s headquarters to Singapore for tax reasons, which sounds positively traitorous, but it doesn’t matter because he championed Brexit which makes him a true man of the people. An advert claiming the wokerati don’t want you to have a Dyson for every room would see sales go up sixfold.


Despite positioning themselves as ethical, independent upstarts, Brewdog have recently been accused of being sexist and revolving around a twatty cult of personality, which is completely Boris/Trump. And with Grolsch ads lost, an undrinkable piss replacement is sorely needed.

The British Armed Forces

The Army is struggling with recruitment and will appeal deeply to the GB News audience of war-obsessed, red-faced old men. They’re too old to sign up, of course, but they’ll harangue their disappointingly millennial grandchildren for being too woke to go out and shoot people.

Jacob Rees-Mogg’s Restorative Coca-Leaf Unguent for the Brain and Nerves

The maverick MP’s monocled silhouette will appear on all tins of this topically-applied tonic which peps up the spirit, over the motto ‘Mens sana in corpore sano’. Gammons refusing the vaccine will rub this all over their arses no trouble.

HP Sauce

What can be more British than HP Sauce? It’s even got our mighty Houses of Parliament on the label, causing a patriotic glow in the heart of any GB News viewer. The only downside is it’s shit and made in the Netherlands.

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Shocked UK had no idea Matt Hancock was totally f**king hopeless

BRITAIN is struggling to come to terms with claims that the health secretary who has led us through this pandemic is totally f**king hopeless.

Private WhatsApp messages between the prime minister and his own personal Judas Dominic Cummings were released yesterday, and revealed that Johnson called Hancock ‘totally f**king hopeless’ which surely cannot be true.

Norman Steele of East Grinstead said: “Can’t be. Are there two Matt Hancocks? It’s a common name.

“His steady hand on the tiller has guided us through this storm with only three lockdowns and 128,000 dead, and I’m expected to believe he’s in some way incompetent?

“Does the nervous, sweating man I see on GMTV not answering questions with half-formed panic in his eyes look out of his depth? Actually, maybe.

“But if he’s totally f**king hopeless and Dom’s a duplicitous vengeful shitbag then surely the guy who appointed them’s bollocks? No. No, can’t be.”

Hancock said: “Oh God, am I totally f**king hopeless? I had no idea.”