BUSINESSES including IKEA and Kopparberg have stopped advertising with GB News because they’re Swedish cowards. Which brands should leap in?
Wetherspoons’ Curry Club
GB News and Wetherspoons go hand-in-hand like love and marriage between one man and one woman, no exceptions. In fact GB News looks like it’s filmed in a particularly gloomy Wetherspoons and employed the daytime club to operate the camera. Full-blown sponsorship must be next.
Billionaire James Dyson moved his company’s headquarters to Singapore for tax reasons, which sounds positively traitorous, but it doesn’t matter because he championed Brexit which makes him a true man of the people. An advert claiming the wokerati don’t want you to have a Dyson for every room would see sales go up sixfold.
Despite positioning themselves as ethical, independent upstarts, Brewdog have recently been accused of being sexist and revolving around a twatty cult of personality, which is completely Boris/Trump. And with Grolsch ads lost, an undrinkable piss replacement is sorely needed.
The British Armed Forces
The Army is struggling with recruitment and will appeal deeply to the GB News audience of war-obsessed, red-faced old men. They’re too old to sign up, of course, but they’ll harangue their disappointingly millennial grandchildren for being too woke to go out and shoot people.
Jacob Rees-Mogg’s Restorative Coca-Leaf Unguent for the Brain and Nerves
The maverick MP’s monocled silhouette will appear on all tins of this topically-applied tonic which peps up the spirit, over the motto ‘Mens sana in corpore sano’. Gammons refusing the vaccine will rub this all over their arses no trouble.
What can be more British than HP Sauce? It’s even got our mighty Houses of Parliament on the label, causing a patriotic glow in the heart of any GB News viewer. The only downside is it’s shit and made in the Netherlands.